Such an odd
season, stage
to be fully a father,
and fully a son.
Yet in this moment,
not yet a father,
and inadequate as a son.
How is who I am as a husband, so
different from who I am as a father,
the farthest from who I am as a son.
Yet, I am me, each person is fully me
each person fully that role.
I feel as if I am not one, but three
disjointed persons acting dysfunctionally.
I want to be mended whole again.
I want to be a wholly trinity.
“So what do you do?” the man sitting next to me asked.
“Right now, I am pursuing to be a professional day trader,” I replied.
“Oh.” He paused. “What is that? I have no idea what that means.”
Over the past year, I have shared with people that I am pursuing day trading. It is interesting how this profession elicits so many different reactions.
Before I had any idea of trading, I had similar perceptions of what it looked like as a profession.
This is a story about my journey in becoming a professional day trader.
I bought my first bitcoin in 2017. It was right before the huge pump. But I sold it all after I saw the price dip down below my entry. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was my first lesson about the emotional and psychological aspect of trading.
I was never prone to FOMO. But I had some major FOMO, because of what I could have made in such a short time. I experienced the fear of losing money when price dipped below my entry. My risk tolerance was zero. I only accepted a linear line up. Once price started to dip, I felt that I would lose so I had to get out. Right before that, I saw my money increase 30%. I was elated about how easy it was to see money grow.
During this time, I dabbled with signal channels in Telegram, automated trading bots, and some studying. I read Trading in the Zone by Mark Douglas. This book was foundational in understanding some of the basic fundamentals of how individuals and institutions (collective individuals) approach the markets.
All that to say, trading was a fun hobby. I was a full-time student and became a dad during this season. It was risky enough to put some of our savings into bitcoin and hope for the moon.
Fast forward about five years, I was working as a freelance content specialist, a title I designed for myself. I had the opportunity to work with a financial firm that wanted to make a website for its new cryptocurrency trading platform. It was a great collaboration and the website went live.
A few months later, I was contacted again to create content that would serve as a testimonial to attract new customers. I had the opportunity to interview professional and active traders. It was enlightening to learn first-hand accounts about people’s experience with trading. I created a landing page that documented a trader’s journey that would have intrigued potential users to test and try the trading platform.
When I asked about a trader’s experience and needs for a trading platform, I distinctly remember one of the interviewee’s responses. “I don’t do this for fun.” It was a serious business, a serious profession, to be a trader. I only thought it was a hobby for the elite or some foolish college kid who wanted to make YouTube videos.
Ironically, this content was never published. Unfortunately, I was also never paid for my services. I could have pursued this more diligently, but my curiosity about trading was ignited.
After graduating with my second advanced degree that I would not use professionally, I vowed I would never go back to school. Perhaps I am addicted to learning. I began my professional trading studies in 2023. I also began renovating my unfinished basement. My wife was pregnant with our second daughter. It was quite the year.
I started a one-year learning mentorship. Fortunately, there was a 2x speed setting and I was pretty good at keeping up with the content. The professional training started in the summer when I began back testing the data. I expedited this process because I wanted to provide financial stability for my family. Ironically, the means was through a profession that was perceived to be the riskiest.
Looking back at my studies and training, it has been a lot.
Books (related to money or trading)
Courses, Newsletters, Videos
Experience
After all the studies and accumulation of experiences, I went live in September 2023.
I funded my first trading account with $10,000. It was an amount that would provide sufficient capital to trade micro futures. It was also an amount that if I were to bust, it would not be super detrimental to our family. This was the LEAN model of day trading. I was the entrepreneur and I was the user, collecting data about myself.
When you first start trading with real money, there is a clear mental and emotional shift. I think it’s similar to playing poker with chips versus real money. When there is real money involved, you take things more seriously. There is more excitement. You don’t just want to win, you want to see the numbers grow. And when it doesn’t, it hurts a lot more. It’s easier to push a stack of chips all in with play money. It’s a lot harder to do it when you have $10,000 on the line.
The first few months were a roller coaster of a ride. Below are real numbers:
| Month | Account Value | MTM Performance |
| September | $8,400 | -16% |
| October | $12,012 | +43% |
| November | $7,928 | -34% |
| December | – | Holiday Travel |
| January-February | – | Steady negative |
| March | $4,517.02 |
The first month of trading was fun and exciting. I was able to finally put real money behind three months of studying and practicing. Despite having a drawdown, I knew I had the technical skills to be successful.
The next month was probably the worst thing that happened to me. I was extremely successful with a 43% gain. I was elated that the “system” worked. I made $4,000 in a month, probably working 20 hours or so. That’s about $200 per hour, more than four times what I made as clinical editor with a doctorate degree. I hit the jackpot. I was going to be a millionaire. I was going to provide for my family especially with our second child being born.
Little did I know how detrimental this monetary gain would become. The next month, I was confident and ready to put the trading system back to work. I wanted to duplicate the returns. However, I was down 34%, worse than where I started. December was a blessing and curse because we took time to travel for the holidays. I put my trading on hold and focused on more important things like my family. It was a blessing because I was forced to step away from trading. It was a curse because after my travels, the dark seed that had been planted in October was never uprooted.
January and February 2024 were rough months because I was separated from my family. It was rough months because my trading account kept going down. Once they returned and the fog cleared, the damage was done. I was down 54.8% from my initial $10,000.
It would have been easy to throw in the towel at this point. Or I could have done some revenge trading and over leverage the account, trying to go all in to double up the money. Instead, my practice and studies proved beneficial. I remembered that trading is a difficult process and journey. I remembered that you can be successful with smaller accounts. I remembered that 90% of people who pursue trading fail. I never liked being similar to everyone else. This time was no different.
With the $4,500 left in my account, I vowed to myself that I would not consider myself a professional trader, unless I was profitable three months in a row. My goal was to make 20% each month. I shifted my focus to trade with the least number of contracts, focusing on the 1% risk that was part of my original trading system. This was not fun or sexy. There was nothing to boast about. One percent risk was $45. A 20% return was $900. Decent money, but nothing close to the swimming in money meme you have of professional day traders, driving around in Lamborghinis.
Slowly, but surely, I stuck to my trading system and focused on my goal.
| Month | Account Value | MTM Performance |
| September | $8,400 | -16% |
| October | $12,012 | 43% |
| November | $7,928 | -34% |
| December | – | Holiday Travel |
| January-February | $4,517.02 | Steady negative |
| March | $4,196.89 | -7.1% |
| April | $5,154.97 | 22.83% |
| May | $6,274.50 | 21.72% |
| June | $7,406.57 | 18.04% |
One note, I arbitrarily picked 20% as a goal. Taking a 3R trade (i.e., a 3 risk to reward ratio) is considered a good trade. I thought doing two 3R trades a week, would amount to 24R a month, allowing for 4% risk to be wrong.
I achieved my three-month goal. I now considered myself a professional trader. In July 2024, I allocated a larger sum of money to trade. I vowed not to make the same mistakes when I had the massive drawdown. I just needed to keep trading the same way I did and I would make 20% monthly returns.
It seems that every time there is a string of success, the downturn eventually follows. It seems that at every major transition, there is usually a downturn, too.
The next six months was another roller coaster ride. Despite ending negative for the year, I was still determined to stick with my profession. Like opening any new business, it is hard to be profitable the first year.
I documented the lessons I learned from 2024.
Philosophy
Macro
Technical
Systematic Profit Taking
Significant lessons learned from practical application
Currently, it is March 2025. I was consistently profitable the first two months of this year. In two weeks, I lost those gains. It is the same process, the same lessons.
Being a professional day trader is difficult. Despite my lack of making consistent income, I have gained significant personal growth. I have gained significant amount of time and flexibility. I am enjoying the process (on most days).
Luckily, I don’t need to be perfect to be profitable. And “whatever result I get is a perfect reflection of my level of development and what I need to learn.” (Trading in the Zone).
So, until my account goes bust, I guess I am a professional day trader.
I have recently been on a journey of seeking enjoyment. Ironically, my mantra is enjoy the process. However, I’m not sure if I had fully understood how to enjoy the process. In the beginning, enjoyment was a mentality, which is certainly a big factor. Over time and especially this past year, I have discovered how I can enjoy life more and it has been quite the process.
Three years ago, I reflected on why it is difficult to enjoy the process. I think the reflections still hold true today.
This could not be more true in the domain of parenting. I was constantly taking moments with my daughter for granted. I was over focused on my professional goals. I avoided the difficulty and challenge of how I can be a better parent.
One year ago, my second daughter was born. My first was five years old and we faced new family dynamics and tough questions. In the thick of this season, I did not want to make the same mistakes and thus embarked on a journey of learning about how I can enjoy parenting and ultimately life.
What kick started this journey was an article, “Stop trying to be happy. Instead, have more fun.” The article discusses organizational psychologist and behavioral scientist Mike Rucker’s PLAY model. It is an acronym for pleasure, living, agonizing, and yielding.
| Low Challenge | High Challenge | |
| High Fun | Pleasure | Living |
| Low Fun | Yielding | Agonizing |
This tool helps identify what activities you enjoy based on fun and challenge level. It takes intentional effort to reflect and bucket what activities in our lives give us joy. The near enemy of fun activities are yielding ones – endless scrolling on social media, Netflix binges, YouTube rabbit holes, playing unfulfilling games, mindless drinking.
It is easy to resort to these activities especially after a long day because we want to numb our body and mind. I found myself yielding more and more to these activities especially when I felt guilty or ashamed of my actions and behaviors as a husband and father. This is a whole other topic related to our identity and how and where we find value in ourselves. The lie I would tell myself was I did not deserve to have fun or be joyful. While I rationally knew that this sentiment was not true, the sting of messing up and allure of being hard on myself would sometimes take over.
I knew I could not sustainably live in a state of existence. I knew I did not want to take life for granted. Thus I worked on discovering what activities I enjoy. Rucker suggests,
Identify elements that you can manipulate,
including your environment,
the people you’re with and
the activities you’re engaged in.
In regards to parenting, it is hard to change the environment and the people. Thus, the focus has been on what activities I can enjoy more. Playing with my daughter used to feel like a drag, but shifting the attitude to how we can both enjoy our time together has drastically improved my enjoyment and our relationship. The mundane daily tasks of cooking, cleaning, and eating became more enjoyable. By taking a brief moment to ask, “How can I enjoy this?” has certainly made life more fun.
Finding joy is the most vulnerable human emotion.
Brene Brown, Atlas of the Heart
This may be the most important condition of enjoyment. It is perhaps the biggest lesson and application I have learned.
In January 2023, after ongoing conflicts and unresolved tension with my wife, we had a pivotal moment in our marriage. It was when I learned and applied how to “number my days.” The lesson stemmed from the verse, “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” (Psalm 90:12) I believe from that moment on, I began to gain wisdom about being present.
I had an epiphany moment when I was struck with the phrase,
I’m not sure what exactly triggered this idea. Perhaps it was after the short summer season of eating strawberries and tomatoes from our yard. Perhaps it was the fleeting moments with my five year old who started Kindergarten. Regardless, it was another lesson about numbering our days. This lesson helped water the seed of enjoying the fruits of life in each season.
When I started to be more intentional about enjoyment, I felt like I reached a cusp in life, where I was being present to enjoy the smallest moments, which radically shifts those moments from passive existence to active enjoyment.
Being present to enjoy the smallest moments, radically shifts those moments from passive existence to active enjoyment.
I began to discover the art of presence, simplicity, and enjoyment. Simple tasks such as sweeping the front of the house with a broom, shifted from a meaningless chore into enjoying taking care of my house and home that safely held my family. Cleaning and organizing clothes or the garage shifts into an activity that sparks joy and gratitude for all the material things in life. It also helps to declutter and let go of things that are no longer useful. Being present helps me to richly enjoy time with my second daughter, instead of saying I will miss this stage of life. Being present and numbering our days helped my family fully enjoy the first summer break we had together before big transitions in each of our lives. I am truly enjoying the fruit of this season and not letting any of it go to waste.
The most recent teaching about numbering our days came in the form of an age chart. I remember hearing about how 95% of the time with your kids is gone by the time they are 18. It was a surprising statistic, but it really hit home when I made an age chart.
I was used to doing the habit of “begin with the end in mind” for myself.1 However, creating an age chart really put into perspective the end in regards to my family. Granted everyone stays healthy and lives long lives, the quality time we have with one another is so fleeting. The exercise was a literal numbering of our days.
Gaining this perspective did not suddenly give me powers to be supernaturally patient, loving, kind, or happy. The daily struggles and toils are still real. When my daughter got hand-foot-mouth disease twice and Roseola all within a few weeks, the pain and struggle made the days feel like it would never end. When my older daughter is super cranky and disrespects us, we still get very frustrated and angry. The wisdom I gained manifests in the brief, quiet moments of life. I remember how numbered our days are and then I can realign my focus from being grumpy and pissed off, to genuinely enjoying the process.
Joe Hudson, an executive coach and father, says the most influential factor to success in business and parenting is enjoyment. He describes enjoyment is not only what you enjoy doing, but how you can enjoy what you do more. Asking yourself, “How can I enjoy this 5% more” can yield hundredfold in every facet of life.
I am experiencing new levels of joy in regards to parenting, marriage, work, and personal endeavors. I also learned about foreboding joy, i.e. when we are afraid to lean into good news and moments because we expect the worst to happen. Sadly, 95% of parents experience foreboding joy with their children. I have certainly been in this boat before. It really takes away from life. “When we push away joy, we squander the goodness that we need to build resilience, strength, and courage.”2
I know life will throw more challenges my way. I know parenting will be hard. I’ll fight with my wife again. The world will have its intractable amount of issues. But I am learning despite all of that, I can still enjoy the process.
True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.
Belonging Verse Fitting In
Belonging Fitting In Authentic Other pleasing Being accepted for you Being accepted for being like everyone else Being somewhere you want to be and they want you Being somewhere you want to be, but they don’t care
Because your self-esteem is an assessment of who you are and what you’ve accomplished compared to your values and your goals, even with high self-esteem you can still feel insecure if you’re self-critical.
The most effective approach to meaningful connection combines compassion with cognitive empathy.
Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.
Lovelessness
Heartbroken
Flooding
Hurt
Betrayal
Self-trust
Self-betrayal
| Recognize shame and understand its triggers | Recognize when you’re in the grip of shame, name it, feel your way through it, and figure out what messages and expectations triggered the shame. Don’t pretend it’s not happening and get swept away. |
| Practice critical awareness | Reality-check the messages and expectations that are driving your shame. Are they realistic, attainable, what you want to be? Or what you think others need from you? |
| Reaching out | Own and share your story. You cannot experience empathy if you’re not connecting. |
| Speaking shame | Talk about how you feel and ask for what you need when you feel shame. |
Healthy striving is self-focused—How can I improve?
Perfectionism is other-focused—What will they think?
Never allow anyone to be humiliated in your presence. – Elie Wiesel
When two feelings are in tension with one another, admitting to the uncertainty leads to greater credibility and grounded confidence.
Nostalgia is a yearning for the way things used to be in our often idealized and self-protective version of the past.
Are you doing something up in humor that actually requires clarity and honesty?
The idea of ‘no regrets’ doesn’t mean living with courage, it means living without reflection. To live without regret is to believe we have nothing to learn, no amends to make, and no opportunity to be braver with our lives.
There are too many people in the world today who decide to live disappointed rather than risk feeling disappointment.
Humility allows us to admit when we are wrong — we realize that getting it right is more important than needing to ‘prove’ that we are right.
When someone is angry at you, you’ve still got traction with them, but when they display contempt, you’ve been dismissed. – Pamela Meyer
If there’s anything that looks and feels like a pig rolling in shit these days, it’s performative moral outrage, especially on social media.
The best way to assess if you are calm is to ask,
“Do I have enough information to freak out? The answer is normally no.
Will freaking out help? The answer is always no.”
Gratitude is “an emotion that reflects your deep appreciation for
Gratitude is an emotion, but you must practice gratitude to experience its full power.
Methods of practice include journaling, meditation, prayer, art, and gratitude check-ins.
Practicing gratitude leads to a deep capacity for joy.
“Finding joy is the most vulnerable human emotion.”
Foreboding joy is being afraid to allow yourself to experience and feel joy because of your fear of that joy being ruined by an unforeseen disaster.
When you push away joy in this manner, you limit yourself immensely.
“Tranquility is associated with absence of demand and no pressure to do anything.
The four elements of experiencing tranquility
The difference between contentment and tranquility is with contentment you usually have a sense of completing something and with tranquility, “you relish the feeling of doing nothing.”
In other words, dolce far niente, the sweetness of doing nothing. “Americans reward the sweat of doing everything ASAP.”1