Enjoy the Process

Category: Marriage

  • Grow into the largeness of marriage

    But if you’re capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it.

    Now playing: So Will I (100 Billion X) – Live, Hillsong Worship, TAYA

    The beginning of 2025 started with a significant fight between my wife and I. This one wasn’t one of the little ones about how you communicate, but what you are communicating. After the fight,

    I felt defeated and lost.

    I felt like I did not know my wife. I was second guessing who she was.

    I felt underappreciated and taken for granted.

    I felt disappointed.

    I felt hurt and sad.

    Amidst all the emotions and confusion, is where I discovered a unique interpretation of marriage in the Gospel of Matthew.

    But Jesus said, “Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn’t for everyone. Some, from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked—or accepted. And some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you’re capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it.”

    Matthew 19:11-12, The Message (emphasis mine)

    I’ve read different versions of this passage numerous times in the past. A more common translation of the part that struck me is,

    The one who can accept this should accept it. (Matthew 19:12b, NIV)

    The way Eugene Peterson translated this passage struck a chord that continues to ring throughout this whole year.

    But if you’re capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it.

    I think this inspiration came from someone who experienced marriage in the presence of God.

    Apostle Paul later exhorts husbands and wives to model after Christ and the church. In this comparison, he says, “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” (Ephesians 5:32, ESV).

    It has been over 11 years since I committed to be in relationship with my wife. In our vows, I did not have the courage to promise the traditional Christian vows. I did vow to my wife that I would never stop pursuing after God.

    This pursuit has brought us to many different places, meeting many different people. This pursuit has been filled with many joys and many heartaches. It is a pursuit that becomes more elusive as I try to reach greater understanding. It is truly a mystery.

    I am finding that our marriage as a small reflection of Jesus and the church, captures a bit of that mystery, too.

    I don’t pretend to understand this smaller mystery. I am writing from a place of confusion as we are recovering from another fight. Even the pursuit of marriage seems elusive. But here is what I have learned as I try to grow into the largeness of marriage.

    Marriage is effing hard

    In biblical times over 2000 years ago, in a different culture, marriage was difficult. Even now, the structure of marriage and family looks so different across the continents. In the West, it used to be a socioeconomic benefit. Now, less kids want to be in relationships. Polygamy is being reintroduced. Amorous relationships are trending in the post-modern, anti-narrative narrative.

    Personally, we know too many couples who have decided to get divorced in the past year. The challenge of living together, raising kids, communicating, connecting, sacrificing, seeking to be known and loved, is difficult, to say the least.

    Without the marriage symbolizing a covenant between man and woman before God, I too would have jumped down the slippery slope from being happily married to divorced. I don’t say this lightly.

    Marriage in the light of God is not exempt from any of the challenges and pressures couples face in this world. In fact, I would argue marriage following the example of Christ, is infinitely harder.

    Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting.

    Ephesians 5:25, MSG

    This love is antithetical to the selfishness prevailing in our culture. It is no mystery that this type of marriage is unappealing. It is no easier for wives.

    Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

    Ephesians 5:22-24, MSG

    Perhaps the mystery of Christ and the church is that the church will never fully submit because the church is flawed. Christ gave his life in spite of that. Christ gave his life for the church to live.

    As a man who is far from being Christ-like, I know that in the past year I have found it very difficult to follow after this example of love.

    What about me?

    Over the past few months, I have resorted to this question, sentiment, and attitude. And as the song “So Will I” plays on repeat, I can’t help but feel and think Christ saying, “What about me?”

    If the stars were made to worship, so will I…

    I can see Your heart in everything You say

    Every painted sky, a canvas of Your grace

    If creation still obeys You so will I…

    For if everything exists to lift you High, so will I…

    And as you speak, a hundred billion failures disappear

    Where You lost your life, so I could find it here

    If You left the grave behind You, so will I

    Obedience to the God of Creation, Promise, and Salvation is a part of growing into the largeness of marriage. There are benefits of marriage as a social contract. There are benefits of marriage as a financial positive. Marriage could fulfill us emotionally. Marriage could fulfill us sexually. However, many privileged are upending these benefits in their pursuit in singlehood.

    So, if there is no pragmatic benefit of marriage, the marriage found in the mystery of God must prove itself to be greater.

    Marriage creates extraordinary value

    Marriage is a mystery. Ironically, I found a part of the answer to this mystery not in the Bible, but in The Harvard Business Review.

    Apostle Paul instructs the Corinthians about headship. “[The] head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.” (1 Corinthians 11:3, ESV) The relationship between Christ and God is perhaps even a bigger mystery than Christ and the church. The traditional narrative in Christian marriage is that the husband is the head of the family. More specifically here, the wife. This structure can work, but what about in the West, where paternalism is no longer accepted? Wives want equal footing. Yet, co-leadership is an unusual structure, as reviewed in 8 Reasons Why Co-Leaders Fail.

    The author discusses co-leadership in reference to organizations and companies. I found much of the insights relevant to marriages, beginning with the reason for co-leadership. A unitary leader is an easier structure. This applies for companies and paternal and maternal families. However, “co-leaders need to keep working on this unusual structure over time. When the process works well, the partner-leaders can create extraordinary value for the organization.” In other words, marriages and families can create new kind of value impossible under empowered singlehood.

    8 ways to grow into the largeness of marriage

    After studying the article, I reversed engineered the eight reasons why co-leaders fail and created a SEO-friendly subtitle on 8 ways to grow into the largeness of marriage. Maybe I will expound on each in the future.

    1. Get out of assigning roles and titles (i.e., husband is the head of the wife/household)
    2. Build credibility over time
    3. Identify synergies
    4. Create sufficient creative tension
    5. Contribute in a comparable manner
    6. Close communication gaps
    7. Review plans for improvement regularly
    8. Make marriage a growth experience

    Results are a lagging indicator of our habits

    My wife and I have made strides in our marriage leaning into many of the above insights. I can confidently say that we love each other deeply. Yet, even after 11 years, we spent the last quarter of this year in conflict and tension.

    There are deep philosophical ways to view marriage like the mystery of God. And there are simple ways like my selfishness. And there are quantitative, pragmatic ways, like “results are a lagging indicator of our habits” (Quoted from a Masterclass).

    For example, being physically healthy is a lagging indicator of our habits of eating right and exercising. Having financial freedom is a lagging indicator of our spending habits, savings, and financial education. A thriving marriage is a lagging indicator of how often we date each other, work on our communication, spend time in intimacy, and our intentionality.

    So even after 11 years, I will keep pursuing after God. In that pursuit, I met an amazing partner and co-leader of now two beautiful girls. In that pursuit, I cherished my wife as a gift from God. I will continue to pursue this mystery that lies in my relationship with my wife. In so doing, perhaps I will discover more about the God of creation.

    Jesus left the grave behind, so will I.

    And I will continue to grow into the largeness of marriage.

  • Number Your Days of Marriage

    March 15, 2014

    When we first got married, I would often hear that my wife and I were in our honeymoon phase. I did not want to believe the sentiment. Despite our ups and downs, after a few months and then past the first year, it seemed as if we overcame the honeymoon phase and proved critics wrong.

    I attributed the success we had in our marriage to our intentionality. Frankly, I believed that I was more intentional than my wife. I spent months in preparation for marriage. Mentally, I read numerous books to equip myself with tools for a successful marriage. Emotionally, I wrote letters to my future potential wife. Spiritually, I prayed for guidance and fresh revelation.

    We had a short, intense engagement. It consisted of seeking counsel from our spiritual mentors. We involved our friends and community to assist us in laying a solid foundation. We participated in premarital counselling and were told we had a healthy baseline. Our families were well involved along the journey with the anticipation that marriage would mean the joining of our two unique families. While we had our hiccups, we created rules to protect us physically and emotionally as we strove to maintain purity and integrity of our beliefs.

    During our engagement, there were challenging moments as we balanced wedding planning and pursuing our careers as young individuals. One key moment was when my wife felt that it was difficult to talk to me about our wedding because of various challenges of my work. As a young, naive man, I felt I had to make a grand stand against the common narrative of work disrupting marriages. Thus, I decided to quit and see what paths I could discover.

    Regardless of my personal career, I wanted to be intentional to always put my marriage first before anything else. I knew my wife was a gift from God and most of the days felt that way. Our early marriage was not a delusional bliss. It was real and wrought with tensions, arguments, and fights. However, the love was genuine, strong, and passionate. We were comfortable with not liking each other at certain times, yet knowing that we always loved one another.

    The next few years, we started our journey of learning and discovering more about one another. We enjoyed dating each other without being in the grey zone as a casual couple. We were present in each other’s vast social circles. We were welcomed in each other’s family. It seemed as if nothing could throw a wrench in our marriage. I was proud of our marriage. I was proud to be married to my wife. I wanted to be an encouragement to other existing couples and new ones to be. Perhaps this was the beginning of our downfall. My pride.

    Children

    When my wife and I started talking about children, we came to our first big disagreement. Usually, our arguments would revolve more around how we communicate, rather than the actual content of what we are communicating. I was unsure about having children, but after some discussion, we moved ahead. We now know the struggle of fertility, but we were “blessed” with conceiving almost immediately on our first try.

    We were happy and prepared to welcome a new life. As a young couple, we were both unaware of the challenges and difficulties of having a child. The regular checkups were all going to plan. At the twenty-week checkup when we were supposed to find out the gender of the child, we discovered horrible news. The child did not make it. We faced our first miscarriage. While a miscarriage can be hard enough on its own, I was left to face an even graver situation. Due to complications, my wife was diagnosed with a rare disorder. She had a 50% chance to live, according to the clinical studies.

    Fortunately, her life landed on the lucky side of the coin. However, the emotional and mental damage was done. I never wanted to have a child at the risk of losing my wife ever again. If I had reservations before, now I was adamantly opposed to the idea. Perhaps, I was still in the honeymoon phase of our marriage.

    After the trauma subsided and we had difficult conversations, we decided to try to have a child again. I had the lingering feeling that we would be throwing a wrench into something that works so well. However, I knew my wife would be incomplete if she were never to become a mother. We were “blessed” once again with a quick pregnancy and my beloved daughter was born, August 5, 2018.

    August 5, 2018

    As most first time parents, we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. On top of becoming new parents, we were adjusting to life in a new city, taking classes as a student, existing work challenges, and juggling new relationships. We had multiple sleepless nights. Our eating habits revolved around feeding a new born. We lacked a clear sense of routine. However, each time our daughter would smile, all the difficulties would melt away. Every new development and accomplishment, made the journey seem worth it. Whenever we paused and were able to breathe on a sunny day, our family of three felt right. Our marriage weathered the storms because we filled our love bank with an abundant amount of deposits prior to having our first child.

    After seven months, we decided it would be best that my wife would go back to work, while I took on the responsibilities of being a full-time caregiver. I thought I was a little more mature at this point, but experience once again revealed my naivety. This transition took a bigger toll on me personally than becoming a father. It took even a bigger toll on our marriage. While my wife faced her own struggles of becoming a mother, I was lost in becoming a father and what it revealed about me as a person. This combination of struggles was super detrimental to a love bank that was already being quickly depleted. We weathered through the next couple of years in volatility. It seemed we could put our marriage on hold as we just got through the newborn years. We would fill our love bank with sporadic moments of love and presence. Yet, we were certainly withdrawing faster than the deposits came in.

    As if things could not get any more difficult, what would become a global pandemic started in January 2020. Lock downs happened and a new, strange world order began to unfold. With a great amount of luck and some reasoning, I knew we could not survive in our 550 square foot apartment. We began looking for different accommodations. After considering many factors, we eventually relocated to a new province. During this time, we also wanted to live together with my brother-in-law. As we juggled so many different moving pieces of life, we eventually got to our new house. After the dust settled, I realized we moved into a beautiful house, but we brought with us an ugly home.

    It was at this moment that I realized the actual state of our marriage. It was about two years into parenthood and our marriage felt unrecognizable. I used to think, how can two people who love each other so dearly, get divorced? Before, I never could even fathom the thought. Now, I saw how slippery the slope could be from where we were to that point. I knew something had to change. I wanted to save the marriage that I was so proud of. After all these years, it felt like it was the only thing I could show for in my life.

    January 3, 2023

    The next two years were a battle to rebuild our marriage. I participated in counselling, something I thought I would never do or need. I revisited old journal entries and old books. We tried reigniting some of the ways we knew how to connect as a couple. We tried to be intentional, again. However, life kept getting in the way. We were still discovering parenting. We were challenged with shifting roles and dynamics. We were yet again in a new city, with new people, and lock downs from the pandemic. We battled never-ending sicknesses. We faced two more miscarriages.

    Somewhere along the journey, it felt as if we were going towards a positive direction. But then, our fights would become more hostile and intense. My patience was nil. I did not want to be close to my wife. I shut down. I did not care to understand her feelings. I did not want to make peace. I was losing my fight to be loyal. I actually said, I’m at the end of the road. Let’s not keep fighting and go our separate ways.

    My wife and I hit another dire fight at the end of 2022. I was not sober, so it seemed the issues were exaggerated. But then we got into another tiff January 3, 2023. It is mind boggling to even write the story from the beginning to where we are now. It is mind boggling how there could be such intense mixture of emotions and feelings. I was tired, sad, and defeated. My wife, who is normally the more hopeful one, cracked and said maybe we are done. We yelled. We cried. We fought.

    We did not know what to say. We did not know what to do or where to go from here. I was fearful and doubtful that our marriage would survive, especially as we await a second child.

    We sat in silence.

    Psalm 90

    “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Psalm 90:12 NIV

    There was something powerful about reflecting on this verse while we sat in silence. It is a common exercise I practice when it comes to my own personal goals and effectiveness. Begin with the end in mind. It was a posture I took to try and rebuild our marriage and deposit more love in the bank in preparation for the second kid. Yet, I never practiced the lesson with and in the presence of my wife.

    At that moment, everything faded. I remembered the fragility of life. I remembered the delicateness of my wife’s life. The immediate fight we had became a non-factor. The fear and doubt of our future marriage became less daunting. The past pains and hurts, became a little more tolerable.

    It seemed as if nothing could save our marriage. We knew we were to be together. But how to journey ahead seemed insurmountable. Then, it seemed as if God threw us a lifeline.

    When we number our days as a couple, then it is easier to appreciate the other in the present moment. When we number our days as parents, we find it more bearable to withstand the challenges of parenting. When we number our days, we know planning for our life ahead is a false expectation and entitlement towards the uncertainty of life.

    I don’t have an overwhelming sense of joy after this moment. Despite my wife and I hugging and reconciling, my heart feels tired and exhausted. Yet, I have a strange peace that transcends understanding. I think that is enough to weather through the next few months in preparation for a second child. I think that is enough to reimagine what it means to fill our love bank. I think that is enough to save our marriage.

    Number your days.

  • Beautiful House, Ugly Home

    I recently moved into a new house. What a journey it has been from the initial far-fetched dream to this new reality.

    Buying a house has not been the hardest transition in life. Yet, it has certainly brought about significant challenges. Pair that with a marriage tested with one of the hardest challenges of having a kid, then we certainly have one messy recipe.

    It has been about three weeks after moving to the new house. There were various reasons for the move, but it was definitely the right decision. The house is absolutely beautiful. The real estate agent said she typically does not desire the houses she shows her clients, but this one really stood out. The inspection agent said that this house falls under the 2% of houses that have hardly any issues considering it is five years old. It is truly a beautiful house.

    But what good is a beautiful house, if it is not a beautiful home?

    The family that moved in seems like any “ordinary” family. Perhaps that is exactly the problem. We are an ordinary family in the sense of broken mediocrity.

    My wife and I have been through one of the hardest years of our lives in 2019. Our beautiful daughter was born in 2018. The following year we had many transitions — motherhood to full-time job; father and full-time student to full-time caregiver. Becoming parents alone is a hard enough transition. Being a primary caregiver as a father is a whole other challenge. Through the transitions, identities were shaken, communication was broken, and “vicious cycles” partaken.

    We knew there would be necessary adjustments after having a child. We knew that extra work was needed. Thus, we “tried” to make things better. But then, the dream of the house, communality, and family, took priority.

    And now, we have a beautiful house, and an ugly home.

    Is it really worth coveting anything that seems beautiful on the outside, but is decaying on the inside? House, car, job, marriage, family, spirituality, friendships, insert whatever.

    Perhaps going from a one-bedroom apartment with three adults and one toddler, to a four-bedroom, 2500 square foot house, gives you more space to be in separate rooms to write reflections “in peace” after having another tiff with one another. At the end of the day, all the space in the world will not mend any deeper brokenness that festers in a broken home. It is easy to repair things around the house, build beautiful dining tables, clean and organize so that everything appears to be in order. It is inexplicably harder to repair stonewalled hearts, scars from spoken and unspoken words, or a dull apathy that slowly settles downs as the new norm.

    But f*** all that.

    As my contrarian self and pursuit to live an extraordinarily ordinary life, here is my stake in the ground to turn an ugly home, to match the beautiful house. I thought it wasn’t worth fighting for anymore, I probably will feel that way at times in the future, but I know this beautiful house will not last, no matter how hard I try to maintain it, if it is not coupled with a beautiful home.

    So, let’s go back inside.

  • What Are We Celebrating?

    Three years into marriage and I can confidently say that I love my wife more than the day I met her, more than the day we celebrated the promise we made to one another before God and before others.

    However, our third year anniversary came at an odd time. It came during a season when others were struggling with their marriages, some to the point of divorce, others amid trials of adultery. Even writing the word now seems odd, and reflecting back on what seems like ages ago, the whole time period feels surreal.

    It was only a little over one year ago I wrote the piece, Confession: I should be on the Ashley Madison list. What was then a distant epiphany, a notional experience on adultery and its effect, I now am a primary witness of living out the harsh realities of hurting and broken marriages.

    The onslaught of emotions through this period was similar to the drowning wave felt when my wife and I experienced our miscarriage. Many tears were shed, there was heartache, confusion, anger, sorrow, yet there were also glimpses of hope. There were fleeting moments of confidence, relief, strength, courage, and oddly even peace.

    What is mind blowing is common reactions toward these offenses would be to immediately separate the victim from the offender (i.e. the one who is cheating on the other would clearly be at fault). Immediate reactions would be, “How could he or she do that to the other person?”

    Yet, what was so strange was this distinction between my immediate response—which was to crucify the one cheating—versus a deeper, inner voice recognizing the fact that there is more than one offender in this equation.

    It is moments like this that amazes me, that sheds light onto the reality of God, because only through the message of God’s amazing love, the forgiveness I receive despite my adulterous heart towards God, the patience and mercy of God, that I am even able to have this dichotomous reaction towards something like adultery. I also have been able to recognize God’s extreme anger and wrath towards transgressions such as this.

    Either that, or I am a fool beyond belief…

    I am at Fault

    One realization I had through this trial was, I am also at fault.

    Our culture loves to celebrate. We find reasons to celebrate even when there is no significant meaning. We love to gather together to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, even though we don’t know the history behind it nor have any Irish heritage. We love cheering drinks to Cinco de Mayo despite not having a single clue as to why the day exists. We celebrate new jobs, homes, promotions, and of course, relationships.

    It is a fact the tristate area has its own standard of celebration, particularly concerning weddings. Recent study shows dramatic increases in spend, focus on guest experiences, and overall a much greater emphasis on this one particular day. Even in my own circle and personal experience with planning our wedding further supports this fact.

    Everyone loves to celebrate this day, and rightly so for it is a momentous occasion. But I wonder, how many of the average 139 guests attending someone’s wedding, so eager to dance and party and hit up the open bar, so eager to take pictures of the beautiful bride in her elegant wedding dress, are also eager to be there for the couples when someone is deathly sick, when there are intense, hurtful fights, when their marriage is suffering, perhaps to the point of divorce?

    I am at fault because I don’t know how to respond to some of these trials. I am at fault because I’m willing to be the life of the party, yet I’ll shy away when I hear the whispers of brewing troubles between couples. I am at fault for some of my friends because I did not speak up sooner when I knew there were things to address.

    Yet—either out of fear for over stepping boundaries, or because I am, like the rest of this millennial generation, a coward to really get involved in other peoples’ lives—I did not speak up.

    My Hope

    So, what are we really celebrating? With ‘wedding season’ approaching, I am much more hesitant to treat the day so lightly. A part of me rather not go to some of these celebrations, because I rather not be held accountable for the weight of each of these new relationships and promises. I rather have a couple be upset at me for not attending their celebration, than making the promise to be with that couple through all the ups and downs of marriage and life.

    I can hear some people respond to this by saying, “Why do I put so much weight on myself? Why do I have this particular view of marriage and the wedding?” If that is the case, and weddings are just celebrations and marriages something just between two people, then I can see why people rather skip out on the ceremonies and go straight to the reception.

    Perhaps we are celebrating for the sake of celebrating, without knowing the deeper meaning behind the occasion, without much thought of what we are witnessing, what we are promising.

    My hope, my honest desire, is for the redemption of marriage. That the celebration of the wedding day, would be worthy of the ongoing celebrations to come, as well as the trials and sufferings, too. My hope is that couples would have the proper understanding of marriage, and that more marriages would shine the beautiful light of what it can and ought to be.

    Three years into marriage, most people would say it is past the honeymoon phase. I can truly say that I love my wife even more than our honeymoon phase, and I hope to keep doing so.

    Happy Anniversary my beloved wife…

  • 2nd Anniversary Love Letter

    A glimpse into the process, an email sent to the wife..

    “Believers need to learn to view work not only in terms of monetary gain, but also in terms of the spiritual benefit they may gain on the job, such as learning patience, self-control, wisdom, etc. I believe we all would agree that working a job builds character, which is a meaningful step in our maturing in Christ. We need to both teach and model that we are working for Jesus, not for men, and that it is the Lord Christ whom we serve (Col 3:23-24).” – Patrick Lai, Tentmaking

    Dear love,

    As I am home studying, preparing, and training more for whatever our future holds, I’m so grateful that you allow me the freedom and flexibility to be able to do so. It is also on your shoulders that I can lean on and rest, that I can stand on to reach for higher goals and purposes for the Lord. This partnership, is something I truly do not take for granted. I hope you are benefiting from this partnership as well. I hope you are being filled.

    As a man, I do sway at times thinking about making money, wanting to provide for us and our future family and it’s sometimes frustrating when the bills pile up and we need to cut out decisions because we are trying to be frugal with our money. I know you console me and say it’s not an issue for you, and sometimes it’s so hard for me to fully believe that, which makes you so much more of an incredible woman and person.

    Thank you for pointing me in the right direction, for not allowing me to take the easier path, for keeping my eyes focused on the narrow path, no matter how foolish it seems, no matter how many times it doesn’t make sense. You are amazing.

    “It never cost a disciple anything to follow Jesus; to talk about cost when you are in love with anyone is an insult.” – Oswald Chambers

    I want to live like this for the Lord, I want us and our family to live like this for the Lord. And you are already showing me a glimpse of this, that there is no cost, there is no amount of money to the love you have for me, the love you have for following and pursuing God, and I’m so touched, I’m so encouraged, and I will keep on persevering.

    I love you honey.

    Happy next day into the third year of this amazing gift of marriage 🙂

  • Confession: I should be on the Ashley Madison list

    It was only a few months ago, I remember doing my daily ritual of scanning CNN articles to stay abreast of current news, when I stumbled across a headline that read something along the lines of, “Ashley Madison hack ruined my life”. There was consistent coverage in the summer months to follow related to this hack, the site, and its consequences.

    My initial response to the Ashley Madison website was disgust. Even as a child, I for some reason, held ideal views of love and marriage and thought it was a sacred and precious gift. Although infidelity has penetrated into the households of many couples and families, it was always private, done in secret—I couldn’t believe that a website was created to help publicly facilitate what society views in shame. Then again, I guess it was only a matter of time before technology also disrupted this space, and in lieu disrupt the relationships involved.

    I dug a little deeper to discover what was going on, searching for why the site was created in the first place, who the founder is, why the site was hacked, combed through the barrage of comments, and watched a biological anthropologist’s examination of human behavior and why people are on the Ashley Madison site.

    Although my initial reaction was, “I can’t believe this site exists” and was rooting for the hackers and their success, I realized their good intentions led to additional complicated issues in addition to already existing broken relationships—i.e., hate crime, cyber security, online scam, and even suicides. There are lots of different perspectives out there, some as “light” as making humor out of the incident as hosts of an award show, to some more reflective misconceptions about the hack.

    However, I had a different reaction to what had already been discussed concerning this issue, one that took me some time to think about and with some hesitancy, am writing about now.

    My Confession

    It was estimated that about 37 million people were identified in the hack, ranging from the average Joe, CEOs, politicians, and sadly, even pastors. I shook my head when reading this statistic, but at that moment, a haunting epiphany struck me—I, too, am on that list.

    No, I did not literally sign up for the Ashley Madison site after only being married for less than two years, and I have no intention to do so. I am deeply in love with my wife, I am completely, holistically satisfied in our marriage—emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. Yet, despite this complete and rich love, the intimacy that she and I share, the trust, comfort, security, and passion, there exists in me thoughts that jeopardize and can put all of these amazing things at risk. There are temptations that ever so slightly brew and I don’t know where it comes from, yet I know that it’s not something that I want to entertain. I realized, instead of judging those who were users on the Ashley Madison site, I knew if anybody were to hack my thoughts, I, too, would be extremely guilty of infidelity, of the possibility that I too can be a user of the Ashley Madison service.

    It was this realization that confused and troubled me for the past couple of months. Before marriage, I never understood how even in the small circle of people I knew, men would cheat on their wives, wives would leave their husbands. I could not understand how two individuals who were so deeply in love, to go as far as to commit to love each other for the rest of their lives, could do something as egregious as cheating, and ultimately cause an immense amount of hurt and pain to someone whom they claimed to love till death do us part. And now that I am married, ironically I can now see how this tragedy may come to fruition in my life, I can see how I too am susceptible to the ugly grips of a broken love.

    Small steps lead to greater victories

    What I fortunately learned early on is that the people who resort to using sites like Ashley Madison or who secretly have affairs with other people is not something that happens overnight. As some writers have already mentioned, it is the small hurts and pains that go unaddressed, the unfulfilled, discontent heart that was never shared between the two individuals, that ultimately lead to deeper hurts and pains that eventually will lead people to find comfort, love, and or respect, elsewhere.

    I’m truly grateful that I was able to realize this early on, identifying in my self when I was hurt by my wife, and felt a thin layer of callousness covering my heart. I knew I immediately had to bring this before her, instead of covering it in pride or whatever other reason I could think of, and in doing so, being able to not let the hardness penetrate any deeper and resolve the issue immediately. I knew it was something as small as an argument that makes me not want to sleep next to her that evening, can ultimately lead me to not sleep with her forever. Some may think that this is unnecessary, it may be overbearing to talk about and reveal such seemingly petty disagreements, however, I find it more foolish to not talk about these things to risk the possibility of having a much more difficult conversation of, “Where were you last night?”

    My heart goes out to all the individuals affected by the Ashley Madison site and hack. My heart goes out more to the millions of people not on the site who struggle with broken relationships. And my heart goes out to those who may be beginning their amazing journey of marriage, especially the ones in their honeymoon phase who feel like their love will last forever.

    My hope is that we can realize how it’s the little things that ultimately lead to the much bigger disasters, or to victories. It is either the little hurts and scars that continue to build up that may lead to an outburst of anger or rebellion. It is the little lusts, the glances, the entertaining of certain thoughts and images that lead to infidelity, rape, and other sexual offenses.

    But it is also the little steps of communicating, reaching out, starting early, that can lead to open, vibrant, and trusting relationships. It is the small battles we choose to face, instead of mindlessly giving into whatever our minds and bodies crave. It is these small victories, that will lead us not to have to use sites like Ashley Madison, that will not create a desire for hackers demanding justice, and for the rest of society having to deal with issues like hate crime, cyber security, and most importantly, broken relationships and taken lives. I wonder, how much better off this world will be if only we learned how to love one another with more depth and greater trust.

    To my beloved wife, I hope you never have to hack my mind and heart because I will do my utmost best to guard it, to love you truly till death do us part. I hope you can join me in this battle, for honesty, for purity, and to continue our fun, exciting, comforting, journey of marriage. I want to enjoy every process with you.

    Love,
    Your husband

  • One Year Anniversary

    – Dedicated to my beloved wife

    I realized this process wouldn’t be complete without an explanation of where the motto “enjoy the process” originated from. I’ll save the full story for another time, but basically it was the theme from the beginning of my relationship with my now wife. When we started dating, or what we defined as courtship (despite a NY Times article released shortly after titled “The End of Courtship?”), there were many hurdles we had to jump over. But instead of looking at them as negatives, we simply wanted to enjoy the process through the good times and bad.

    My wife and I were wedded March 2014 and we recently celebrated our one year anniversary.  There were times that were definitely very challenging, however, the beauty of marriage, a healthy marriage, is something that is incomparable to anything else in life. We shared a few things that we learned or were thankful of after our first year together. A couple of mine are below:

    I am most free when I am with my wife

    There is the adage you hear amongst “bros” when either their girlfriend or wife is out of town, “I’m a free man!” I remember being alongside friends who had girlfriends/wives that would say this and when their “significant” other was no longer around, then it was time to go out and have fun. The sad reality of this condition, especially for those that are committed in marriage, is that the commitment seems more like an imprisonment rather than a joy.

    I wasn’t sure what to expect once I got married how I would react if my wife were to be out of town, but I was given the opportunity to experience this not too long ago. She was away for an extended weekend and the little bachelor inside my head thought, “It is time to have some fun!” However, once apart, I realized after the first night that I was not having more fun nor did I feel more liberated. In fact, life didn’t seem complete. It was then I realized that the relationship that my wife and I nurtured, especially in the earlier stages, was so mutually beneficial that I was able to do everything that I wanted to do even with her. I was so thankful to have a wife that is understanding and it made me want to “sacrifice” certain areas of my life that perhaps some bachelors may view as not worth sacrificing. I know that my life has been more freeing now with my wife than the illusion of freedom during my single hood.

    My reality is better than any fantasy

    The second thing I learned and was tremendously thankful towards my wife may be a little bit uncomfortable for some couples or individuals to read. There is another adage that “men are like dogs” when it comes to their sexual desires.  Though I credit myself to be a little bit more civilized than a dog, I know that if left to my own vices, I am no different and the lure of sexuality is most certainly present in my life.

    What I realized that most men would do regarding these lures is to either suppress them or entertain them in their own minds (the former most likely leading to the latter anyway). I realized that as I would try to keep suppressing or avoiding the thoughts, it would usually lead to frustration as it is no different than trying to stop thinking about a pink elephant in the room. An exercise I did was to just play out whatever lure it may have been, that is, whatever fantasy was conjured up in my own mind (and of course, this will probably look different for everyone). I realized as I “played out my fantasy” in entirety and how it would affect my life, there was no way that the fantasy could ever replace the reality I had with my wife. There is nothing nor anyone that can ever replace her with all our quirks and intricacies that make us us, and that is when I realized that my reality is better than any fantasy.

    Now I must add that a tricky part to this “exercise” is that if the relationship is not healthy, entertaining the lures of sexual desires or playing out fantasies may ultimately lead to a reality, which then will lead to the plethora of broken and hurt marriages and relationships we see today. I must urge that it is paramount to ensure that the relationship is healthy and then be able to tackle whatever other issues present in life.

    All in all, I cannot wait to keep enjoying this process with my wife, and I could not have asked for a better year together. Happy one year anniversary love.