Enjoy the Process

Tag: relationship

  • Number Your Days of Marriage

    March 15, 2014

    When we first got married, I would often hear that my wife and I were in our honeymoon phase. I did not want to believe the sentiment. Despite our ups and downs, after a few months and then past the first year, it seemed as if we overcame the honeymoon phase and proved critics wrong.

    I attributed the success we had in our marriage to our intentionality. Frankly, I believed that I was more intentional than my wife. I spent months in preparation for marriage. Mentally, I read numerous books to equip myself with tools for a successful marriage. Emotionally, I wrote letters to my future potential wife. Spiritually, I prayed for guidance and fresh revelation.

    We had a short, intense engagement. It consisted of seeking counsel from our spiritual mentors. We involved our friends and community to assist us in laying a solid foundation. We participated in premarital counselling and were told we had a healthy baseline. Our families were well involved along the journey with the anticipation that marriage would mean the joining of our two unique families. While we had our hiccups, we created rules to protect us physically and emotionally as we strove to maintain purity and integrity of our beliefs.

    During our engagement, there were challenging moments as we balanced wedding planning and pursuing our careers as young individuals. One key moment was when my wife felt that it was difficult to talk to me about our wedding because of various challenges of my work. As a young, naive man, I felt I had to make a grand stand against the common narrative of work disrupting marriages. Thus, I decided to quit and see what paths I could discover.

    Regardless of my personal career, I wanted to be intentional to always put my marriage first before anything else. I knew my wife was a gift from God and most of the days felt that way. Our early marriage was not a delusional bliss. It was real and wrought with tensions, arguments, and fights. However, the love was genuine, strong, and passionate. We were comfortable with not liking each other at certain times, yet knowing that we always loved one another.

    The next few years, we started our journey of learning and discovering more about one another. We enjoyed dating each other without being in the grey zone as a casual couple. We were present in each other’s vast social circles. We were welcomed in each other’s family. It seemed as if nothing could throw a wrench in our marriage. I was proud of our marriage. I was proud to be married to my wife. I wanted to be an encouragement to other existing couples and new ones to be. Perhaps this was the beginning of our downfall. My pride.

    Children

    When my wife and I started talking about children, we came to our first big disagreement. Usually, our arguments would revolve more around how we communicate, rather than the actual content of what we are communicating. I was unsure about having children, but after some discussion, we moved ahead. We now know the struggle of fertility, but we were “blessed” with conceiving almost immediately on our first try.

    We were happy and prepared to welcome a new life. As a young couple, we were both unaware of the challenges and difficulties of having a child. The regular checkups were all going to plan. At the twenty-week checkup when we were supposed to find out the gender of the child, we discovered horrible news. The child did not make it. We faced our first miscarriage. While a miscarriage can be hard enough on its own, I was left to face an even graver situation. Due to complications, my wife was diagnosed with a rare disorder. She had a 50% chance to live, according to the clinical studies.

    Fortunately, her life landed on the lucky side of the coin. However, the emotional and mental damage was done. I never wanted to have a child at the risk of losing my wife ever again. If I had reservations before, now I was adamantly opposed to the idea. Perhaps, I was still in the honeymoon phase of our marriage.

    After the trauma subsided and we had difficult conversations, we decided to try to have a child again. I had the lingering feeling that we would be throwing a wrench into something that works so well. However, I knew my wife would be incomplete if she were never to become a mother. We were “blessed” once again with a quick pregnancy and my beloved daughter was born, August 5, 2018.

    August 5, 2018

    As most first time parents, we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. On top of becoming new parents, we were adjusting to life in a new city, taking classes as a student, existing work challenges, and juggling new relationships. We had multiple sleepless nights. Our eating habits revolved around feeding a new born. We lacked a clear sense of routine. However, each time our daughter would smile, all the difficulties would melt away. Every new development and accomplishment, made the journey seem worth it. Whenever we paused and were able to breathe on a sunny day, our family of three felt right. Our marriage weathered the storms because we filled our love bank with an abundant amount of deposits prior to having our first child.

    After seven months, we decided it would be best that my wife would go back to work, while I took on the responsibilities of being a full-time caregiver. I thought I was a little more mature at this point, but experience once again revealed my naivety. This transition took a bigger toll on me personally than becoming a father. It took even a bigger toll on our marriage. While my wife faced her own struggles of becoming a mother, I was lost in becoming a father and what it revealed about me as a person. This combination of struggles was super detrimental to a love bank that was already being quickly depleted. We weathered through the next couple of years in volatility. It seemed we could put our marriage on hold as we just got through the newborn years. We would fill our love bank with sporadic moments of love and presence. Yet, we were certainly withdrawing faster than the deposits came in.

    As if things could not get any more difficult, what would become a global pandemic started in January 2020. Lock downs happened and a new, strange world order began to unfold. With a great amount of luck and some reasoning, I knew we could not survive in our 550 square foot apartment. We began looking for different accommodations. After considering many factors, we eventually relocated to a new province. During this time, we also wanted to live together with my brother-in-law. As we juggled so many different moving pieces of life, we eventually got to our new house. After the dust settled, I realized we moved into a beautiful house, but we brought with us an ugly home.

    It was at this moment that I realized the actual state of our marriage. It was about two years into parenthood and our marriage felt unrecognizable. I used to think, how can two people who love each other so dearly, get divorced? Before, I never could even fathom the thought. Now, I saw how slippery the slope could be from where we were to that point. I knew something had to change. I wanted to save the marriage that I was so proud of. After all these years, it felt like it was the only thing I could show for in my life.

    January 3, 2023

    The next two years were a battle to rebuild our marriage. I participated in counselling, something I thought I would never do or need. I revisited old journal entries and old books. We tried reigniting some of the ways we knew how to connect as a couple. We tried to be intentional, again. However, life kept getting in the way. We were still discovering parenting. We were challenged with shifting roles and dynamics. We were yet again in a new city, with new people, and lock downs from the pandemic. We battled never-ending sicknesses. We faced two more miscarriages.

    Somewhere along the journey, it felt as if we were going towards a positive direction. But then, our fights would become more hostile and intense. My patience was nil. I did not want to be close to my wife. I shut down. I did not care to understand her feelings. I did not want to make peace. I was losing my fight to be loyal. I actually said, I’m at the end of the road. Let’s not keep fighting and go our separate ways.

    My wife and I hit another dire fight at the end of 2022. I was not sober, so it seemed the issues were exaggerated. But then we got into another tiff January 3, 2023. It is mind boggling to even write the story from the beginning to where we are now. It is mind boggling how there could be such intense mixture of emotions and feelings. I was tired, sad, and defeated. My wife, who is normally the more hopeful one, cracked and said maybe we are done. We yelled. We cried. We fought.

    We did not know what to say. We did not know what to do or where to go from here. I was fearful and doubtful that our marriage would survive, especially as we await a second child.

    We sat in silence.

    Psalm 90

    “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Psalm 90:12 NIV

    There was something powerful about reflecting on this verse while we sat in silence. It is a common exercise I practice when it comes to my own personal goals and effectiveness. Begin with the end in mind. It was a posture I took to try and rebuild our marriage and deposit more love in the bank in preparation for the second kid. Yet, I never practiced the lesson with and in the presence of my wife.

    At that moment, everything faded. I remembered the fragility of life. I remembered the delicateness of my wife’s life. The immediate fight we had became a non-factor. The fear and doubt of our future marriage became less daunting. The past pains and hurts, became a little more tolerable.

    It seemed as if nothing could save our marriage. We knew we were to be together. But how to journey ahead seemed insurmountable. Then, it seemed as if God threw us a lifeline.

    When we number our days as a couple, then it is easier to appreciate the other in the present moment. When we number our days as parents, we find it more bearable to withstand the challenges of parenting. When we number our days, we know planning for our life ahead is a false expectation and entitlement towards the uncertainty of life.

    I don’t have an overwhelming sense of joy after this moment. Despite my wife and I hugging and reconciling, my heart feels tired and exhausted. Yet, I have a strange peace that transcends understanding. I think that is enough to weather through the next few months in preparation for a second child. I think that is enough to reimagine what it means to fill our love bank. I think that is enough to save our marriage.

    Number your days.

  • Fire is my only friend tonight

    Fire is my only friend tonight

    Rustle in the trees, Big Dipper, Cassiopeia (auto corrected), Love Actually.

    Take me into Outer Space playing in my head.
    Snap, crackle, pop.

    Cool breeze, radiating heat, familiar scent.
    Quiet, wishfully, international chatter from the tent next door.

    Reminiscing, the memories from youth put a grin on my face.
    But they also reveal a hole in my heart.

    Loneliness is a gift from God.
    But it doesn’t feel that way now.

    I wish they were here.
    To talk, laugh, chat, make fun.

    About funny times, about beer, about food, about faith, about nothing.
    I miss them, I miss them dearly.

    Fire, is my only friend tonight.

  • A Medical Review of the Stagnant Life

    It has already been a couple of years since the inception of Enjoy the Process, and since its beginning, I’ve experienced so much in the short amount of time—new avenues of work and passions, new relationships, and new depths of faith.

    The journey has been amazing and there is not a moment that I regret. There were many gems hidden along the path and of course many hardships as well, but it is the sum of both these polar experiences that does not negate one another, but rather together is the greater product of the entire journey.

    And while traversing this path, most of the time the process has been a slow and steady growth, pursuing forward. Sometimes it was hectic and fast paced and you can only reflect after the fact. However, the common theme regardless of pace, is that there is an intentionality in moving forward, pursuing on, even in the times of “being still,” it is an active process of waiting and reflecting, rather than becoming stagnant.

    STAGNANCY

    The World Health Organization warns that stagnant or slow-flowing waters are prime breeding grounds for many insects, mainly mosquitos, which can transmit different diseases like dengue and malaria. It is evident in nature, that the most critical life-giving element of water, when stagnant can become a breeding ground for horrible life-sucking diseases. As nature is one of the best teachers, I definitely saw the parallels of the side effect of stagnant water and the stagnant life.

    Causes
    A stagnant life is hard to diagnosis, for it can seem like a forward-moving one. A stagnant life births when we lose the drive of living intentionally, when the life-giving flow ceases to exist. It can disguise itself as slow-flowing, which is subtly different than the active periods of waiting in life. Factors such as comforts, distractions, or illusions can cause this stagnancy.

    Comfort is commonly sought out by individuals, coming second after physiological needs in Maslow’s hierarchy. While there is some value of tending to our extrinsic needs, there is more than ample evidence that intrinsic values provide more happiness to most individuals. It is easy for many of us to get caught up with tending to our comforts, despite having so much of it already. There is a delusion that we do not have enough and eventually, it seems as if we are moving forward adding to our comforts, but rather it simply becomes a trap to stagnancy.

    Distractions are ubiquitous, especially with the onslaught of social media, on-demand entertainment, and more and more instant gratifications. Some of these distractions are harmless in and of themselves, sometimes providing good benefits, however the gluttonous indulgence of any and all forms of distractions is what prevents many from living the most fulfilling lives. Sadly, it takes something drastic to wake us up from the drowning effects of distractions and often times we lose so much of our most precious commodity, time.

    An individual may seem like he or she is living a productive life, waking up in time for work, completing projects and meeting deadlines, going out afterwards to meet with friends to grab a drink, and occasionally traveling somewhere they haven’t been. It’s the “normal” routine that a good number of hard-working, high-achieving individuals pursue, and for many it ultimately provides the deepest meaning to life. Unfortunately, as studies and personal stories can attest to, it is evident that this attitude and approach to work is not fulfilling many millennials, and it is solely an illusion to our identity and our lives.

    Effects
    The stagnant life may seem okay on the surface, but in reality it is slowly breeding tiny “insects”, which can transmit fatal diseases to multiple areas of our lives such as our work, our bodies, and most importantly, our relationships.

    Individuals are caught up in the illusion of finding meaning in their careers or making money and will jump on the hamster wheel running ferociously but getting no where. It is easy to become mindless drones, working endlessly with the hopes of getting somewhere, but without an intentional approach to the work that we do, that’s when our work and careers quickly become jobs that we hate, and ever so quickly do we turn to look for another ladder to climb or hamster wheel to run on.

    Physical stagnancy has become an epidemic, literally. Western nations have now put a medical term to this—obesity. While there are few individuals who have genetic mutations causing obesity and require medical treatment, the vast majority have simply become physically stagnant. Again, there is a delusion that the movement in our everyday lives is enough to offset the detrimental effects of being sedentary and eating an overabundance of unhealthy, processed foods; however, our society is now seeing the consequences of this stagnancy. And the simple truth is that it does not take running marathons or $100+ gym memberships, but rather being consistent in some type of physical activity and being mindful of what we feed our bodies.

    The stagnant life is most detrimental to our relationships. It is evident in families, friendships, marriages, and relationship with God. At least in my personal experience and network of acquaintances, there are so many broken families. Whether clearly evident through divorces and single parent homes, to more inconspicuous hurts harbored though silent dinners and cold bedrooms, there is no shortage of broken and hurt families. And as young individuals turn their attention and time to friends, the usual meet ups and repetitive hangouts can quickly stagnate to nothing more than spending time to get our minds off of different stresses. Stagnate marriages are most scary as on the exterior they look as if the relationship is progressing, as the busyness of simply doing life together replaces the intentionality of being more intimate with one another, loving more deeply and richly. The stagnate relationship may go on for years until it is too late to realize that a hidden disease has been transmitted to the core, resulting in hardness of hearts, insecurity, lack of fulfillment, leading to the ultimate death of the once vibrant and glowing relationship that started in a ceremonious celebration. The same goes for our relationship with God or our faith. It is easy to get caught up in religious activities, thinking that by participating or placing ourselves in religious environments will spur our love for a living God. Similar to a marriage, simply living together in the same house is not the same as facing one another, gazing into each other’s eyes, appreciating everything about the beloved, the good, the bad, and the mystery.

    TREATMENT

    Like any good treatment, the preventative approach is best. It’s important to quickly identify what causes the stagnancy in our lives, such as comforts, distractions, and/or illusions. Taking intentional approaches to battle the causes, such as not getting lazy in comforts, limiting distractions, and actively being introspective, questioning the why of life in order to not get caught in an illusion, will help prevent stagnancies to occur in the first place.

    Perhaps the subtle effects of stagnancy has already crept into different areas of life—the very reason why I am writing this piece. It is not enough to simply recognize and acknowledge that these harms exist, but rather, it is critical to stir up and unplug the clogs that slowly built up over time leading to the stagnancy. It is important to take a step off of the hamster wheel and reflect on where it is I am headed; to get off of my lazy ass and do something, and demonstrate some self-control on how much I gorge myself; and lastly, to be the first one to make the change in the relationship, no matter how difficult or awkward it may be, knowing that if nothing changes, the stagnancy will lead to a life-ending disease.

    Although all these approaches are easier said than done, knowing that the rewards are endless can give some hope and power to pushing on—healthier bodies, a more positive self-image, more energy to tackle work and relationships, these healthier relationships providing more fulfilling and happy lives, and understanding that identity is not defined by the work that we do. Knowing that an active life, flowing like a stream of living water is the most vibrant and life-giving, most certainly makes it worth pursuing.

    As I make these subtle changes, I’m excited to see how my journey continues to unfold. I’m excited to keep enjoying the process and continue to share and document these experiences, hopefully without ever growing stagnate in the process.

  • Confession: I should be on the Ashley Madison list

    It was only a few months ago, I remember doing my daily ritual of scanning CNN articles to stay abreast of current news, when I stumbled across a headline that read something along the lines of, “Ashley Madison hack ruined my life”. There was consistent coverage in the summer months to follow related to this hack, the site, and its consequences.

    My initial response to the Ashley Madison website was disgust. Even as a child, I for some reason, held ideal views of love and marriage and thought it was a sacred and precious gift. Although infidelity has penetrated into the households of many couples and families, it was always private, done in secret—I couldn’t believe that a website was created to help publicly facilitate what society views in shame. Then again, I guess it was only a matter of time before technology also disrupted this space, and in lieu disrupt the relationships involved.

    I dug a little deeper to discover what was going on, searching for why the site was created in the first place, who the founder is, why the site was hacked, combed through the barrage of comments, and watched a biological anthropologist’s examination of human behavior and why people are on the Ashley Madison site.

    Although my initial reaction was, “I can’t believe this site exists” and was rooting for the hackers and their success, I realized their good intentions led to additional complicated issues in addition to already existing broken relationships—i.e., hate crime, cyber security, online scam, and even suicides. There are lots of different perspectives out there, some as “light” as making humor out of the incident as hosts of an award show, to some more reflective misconceptions about the hack.

    However, I had a different reaction to what had already been discussed concerning this issue, one that took me some time to think about and with some hesitancy, am writing about now.

    My Confession

    It was estimated that about 37 million people were identified in the hack, ranging from the average Joe, CEOs, politicians, and sadly, even pastors. I shook my head when reading this statistic, but at that moment, a haunting epiphany struck me—I, too, am on that list.

    No, I did not literally sign up for the Ashley Madison site after only being married for less than two years, and I have no intention to do so. I am deeply in love with my wife, I am completely, holistically satisfied in our marriage—emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. Yet, despite this complete and rich love, the intimacy that she and I share, the trust, comfort, security, and passion, there exists in me thoughts that jeopardize and can put all of these amazing things at risk. There are temptations that ever so slightly brew and I don’t know where it comes from, yet I know that it’s not something that I want to entertain. I realized, instead of judging those who were users on the Ashley Madison site, I knew if anybody were to hack my thoughts, I, too, would be extremely guilty of infidelity, of the possibility that I too can be a user of the Ashley Madison service.

    It was this realization that confused and troubled me for the past couple of months. Before marriage, I never understood how even in the small circle of people I knew, men would cheat on their wives, wives would leave their husbands. I could not understand how two individuals who were so deeply in love, to go as far as to commit to love each other for the rest of their lives, could do something as egregious as cheating, and ultimately cause an immense amount of hurt and pain to someone whom they claimed to love till death do us part. And now that I am married, ironically I can now see how this tragedy may come to fruition in my life, I can see how I too am susceptible to the ugly grips of a broken love.

    Small steps lead to greater victories

    What I fortunately learned early on is that the people who resort to using sites like Ashley Madison or who secretly have affairs with other people is not something that happens overnight. As some writers have already mentioned, it is the small hurts and pains that go unaddressed, the unfulfilled, discontent heart that was never shared between the two individuals, that ultimately lead to deeper hurts and pains that eventually will lead people to find comfort, love, and or respect, elsewhere.

    I’m truly grateful that I was able to realize this early on, identifying in my self when I was hurt by my wife, and felt a thin layer of callousness covering my heart. I knew I immediately had to bring this before her, instead of covering it in pride or whatever other reason I could think of, and in doing so, being able to not let the hardness penetrate any deeper and resolve the issue immediately. I knew it was something as small as an argument that makes me not want to sleep next to her that evening, can ultimately lead me to not sleep with her forever. Some may think that this is unnecessary, it may be overbearing to talk about and reveal such seemingly petty disagreements, however, I find it more foolish to not talk about these things to risk the possibility of having a much more difficult conversation of, “Where were you last night?”

    My heart goes out to all the individuals affected by the Ashley Madison site and hack. My heart goes out more to the millions of people not on the site who struggle with broken relationships. And my heart goes out to those who may be beginning their amazing journey of marriage, especially the ones in their honeymoon phase who feel like their love will last forever.

    My hope is that we can realize how it’s the little things that ultimately lead to the much bigger disasters, or to victories. It is either the little hurts and scars that continue to build up that may lead to an outburst of anger or rebellion. It is the little lusts, the glances, the entertaining of certain thoughts and images that lead to infidelity, rape, and other sexual offenses.

    But it is also the little steps of communicating, reaching out, starting early, that can lead to open, vibrant, and trusting relationships. It is the small battles we choose to face, instead of mindlessly giving into whatever our minds and bodies crave. It is these small victories, that will lead us not to have to use sites like Ashley Madison, that will not create a desire for hackers demanding justice, and for the rest of society having to deal with issues like hate crime, cyber security, and most importantly, broken relationships and taken lives. I wonder, how much better off this world will be if only we learned how to love one another with more depth and greater trust.

    To my beloved wife, I hope you never have to hack my mind and heart because I will do my utmost best to guard it, to love you truly till death do us part. I hope you can join me in this battle, for honesty, for purity, and to continue our fun, exciting, comforting, journey of marriage. I want to enjoy every process with you.

    Love,
    Your husband

  • What is your retirement dream?

    Sitting poolside at a beautiful resort, the sound of a cascading waterfall in the background, ice cold Pina colada in one hand served by a friendly waiter, an engaging book in the other, relaxing for endless hours without a care in the world, where time is only judged by the position of the sun in the clear, baby blue sky…

    Standing on perfectly maintained green grass, surrounded by magnificent mountains and breathtaking landscapes, calmly breathing in unpolluted fresh air, ready to take the last putt on the 18th hole for a birdie, knowing what awaits is a victory ice cold beer, and the cool ride home in an electric red Porsche…

    It sounds too good to be true, a life worth striving for, working hard in our earlier years to hopefully reach this point in our lives where we can retire and simply enjoy the pleasures of life.

    For many, it is the American dream. It is what we see in movies, what we talk about with friends, what we hear about from our bosses when they occasionally call into the office to make sure the work is being done and clients are satisfied.

    For a privileged few, this is already a reality, a vacation. And fortunately, I had the opportunity to live this retirement dream for a couple of days when I took a trip to Arizona—golf haven, retirement home central, and reliable sunny days. I experienced and witnessed this life and to be honest, it was relaxing, stress-free, and enjoyable. However, when I looked at the multitude of individuals and couples who sat by the pool, walked the golf courses, I noticed something and began to wonder, “Are these people truly happy? Did they achieve what they want in life and in their later years, are they fulfilled, joyful, worry-free?” Obviously I don’t know what these people are truly feeling or thinking, but by observation, it just didn’t seem so. That made me wonder, what does my end look like? What does “retirement” mean to me?

    Begin with the end in mind

    While I had a lot of time to reflect and think, I began with one of the “7 Habits of Highly Effective People”—begin with the end in mind. Now when thinking about life, what we know with absolute certainty for humans is that our end is death. When we draw upon this habit and really begin with the ultimate end, it certainly helps us put things into perspective and gives us a different lens to view our life and the meaning behind it. But that’s for a different time…

    I began with a different end—retirement. Retirement is usually discussed in the context of work and our careers, usually achieved around the age of 65 for social security benefits to kick in and hopefully for the fortunate few that saved, their 401-k’s and other retirement funds. With the exception of the unicorn stories, the Fortune Magazine 30 under 30 group, self-made millionaires, viral apps being acquired by mega companies, the majority of us work a vast portion of our lives (assuming we start working soon after graduating college in our early 20s and retiring in our mid to late 60s). Forty years… Approximately forty years we work, whether purposefully, intentionally, toward a goal, perhaps retirement, or maybe for some, aimlessly, without even a dream of sitting pool side or owning that Porsche.

    I wondered, would I be satisfied with living out my recent vacation, every single day when I’m older? Soaking up the sun, playing golf, eating food and being served by someone else so I don’t have to lift a pinky up? As relaxing and enjoyable my recent vacation was, I don’t know if I would be satisfied with the cliche American retirement dream. It’s not to say that it is an undesirable dream, most certainly not, but to wonder if I would be satisfied with my life, to work hard for 40 somewhat years to enjoy, if lucky, another 15-20 years of it, does not seem like something I look forward to nor desire. It does not seem like a good investment of the precious resource of time given to me. Not to say that nothing bad won’t happen within those years where all the hard work would then amount to nothing anyway.

    A new retirement fund

    So if working hard, saving, and hustling to achieve comfort, relaxation, and what seems like “freedom” is not my own personal dream, then what is? What is… Now this is a difficult question, a difficult picture to paint in our heads because we’ve been absorbing since an early age this one picture of retirement.

    I don’t know if I have an exact picture, a dream, or an end goal I’m striving for, but there are a few things that I can say at this stage and point of my life:

    1) I don’t want to wait until I’m in the last quarter of my life, to be able to fully enjoy life

    The common perception here is that we need lots of money to be able to be free, to enjoy life, but I’ve seen enough with my own eyes that there is so much happiness aside from the expensive luxuries of life, but that priceless treasures bring us so much more joy than what a consumer mentality teaches us. I want to continue to learn how to be content with what I have, and as a friend once said, “to live simply, and give lavishly”. I don’t need to wait to really enjoy every day of my life, to be thankful and grateful for what I have thus far, and to fully enjoy that.

    2) I want to surround myself with people who share a similar hope

    We know how easy it is to be influenced by the people around us, and there is much wisdom whether through literature or science, that supports this fact. And having traveled much, both inside and outside the states, I can confidently say that the New York, tristate area is definitely a major proponent of the lifestyle in placing an extreme emphasis on more work, more money, status, power, and fueling the idea that we need to have more to enjoy life and that luxurious things are better—luxury goods, luxury vacations, luxury foods, luxury homes. Having been blessed with much, I can say that though some of these things are most certainly nice to have, they are not necessary to have a fulfilling life.

    3) I want to be in a place where I won’t forget what the ultimate end is

    I know that life is short, having had near death experiences at an early age, having witnessed too many deaths from the small circle of people I know. I know that there is more to life and as I continue to grow in my understanding of this life, I want to be in a place that I can share with others my discoveries of greater joys, greater freedom, greater love, and a deeper meaning to what we view as our precious lives.

    It is certainly not a definitive picture, and perhaps that’s better? Regardless, it is a direction, a focus, that allows me to not only invest into a 401-k, but also invest into my retirement fund of meaning, of joy, of love, of peace, and knowing that when I do so, my returns are truly priceless and limitless.

    …Holding the hand of my beloved wife after many years of being together, weathering through the storms and enjoying the sunshine, still making each other laugh, holding onto one another like the honeymoon phase of our relationship, heart being tender and affectionate, gut still dropping when she gazes into my eyes… Meeting with various people, people who we can share our love and our joy with, people who we can laugh with, people who need care and can care for us, people who still make us better after many experienced years… Sharing a meal together, a simple meal, but delicious because of the laughter, the love, brightness and energy, sharing stories of hope, stories of love… And at the end of the day, going to bed with the warmth, comfort, and peace, of truly being happy with all that we have, however much or however little, knowing that we lived that day to the fullest, knowing that the day was meaningful and beautiful…

    That’s a wonderful retirement for me.

  • One Year Anniversary

    – Dedicated to my beloved wife

    I realized this process wouldn’t be complete without an explanation of where the motto “enjoy the process” originated from. I’ll save the full story for another time, but basically it was the theme from the beginning of my relationship with my now wife. When we started dating, or what we defined as courtship (despite a NY Times article released shortly after titled “The End of Courtship?”), there were many hurdles we had to jump over. But instead of looking at them as negatives, we simply wanted to enjoy the process through the good times and bad.

    My wife and I were wedded March 2014 and we recently celebrated our one year anniversary.  There were times that were definitely very challenging, however, the beauty of marriage, a healthy marriage, is something that is incomparable to anything else in life. We shared a few things that we learned or were thankful of after our first year together. A couple of mine are below:

    I am most free when I am with my wife

    There is the adage you hear amongst “bros” when either their girlfriend or wife is out of town, “I’m a free man!” I remember being alongside friends who had girlfriends/wives that would say this and when their “significant” other was no longer around, then it was time to go out and have fun. The sad reality of this condition, especially for those that are committed in marriage, is that the commitment seems more like an imprisonment rather than a joy.

    I wasn’t sure what to expect once I got married how I would react if my wife were to be out of town, but I was given the opportunity to experience this not too long ago. She was away for an extended weekend and the little bachelor inside my head thought, “It is time to have some fun!” However, once apart, I realized after the first night that I was not having more fun nor did I feel more liberated. In fact, life didn’t seem complete. It was then I realized that the relationship that my wife and I nurtured, especially in the earlier stages, was so mutually beneficial that I was able to do everything that I wanted to do even with her. I was so thankful to have a wife that is understanding and it made me want to “sacrifice” certain areas of my life that perhaps some bachelors may view as not worth sacrificing. I know that my life has been more freeing now with my wife than the illusion of freedom during my single hood.

    My reality is better than any fantasy

    The second thing I learned and was tremendously thankful towards my wife may be a little bit uncomfortable for some couples or individuals to read. There is another adage that “men are like dogs” when it comes to their sexual desires.  Though I credit myself to be a little bit more civilized than a dog, I know that if left to my own vices, I am no different and the lure of sexuality is most certainly present in my life.

    What I realized that most men would do regarding these lures is to either suppress them or entertain them in their own minds (the former most likely leading to the latter anyway). I realized that as I would try to keep suppressing or avoiding the thoughts, it would usually lead to frustration as it is no different than trying to stop thinking about a pink elephant in the room. An exercise I did was to just play out whatever lure it may have been, that is, whatever fantasy was conjured up in my own mind (and of course, this will probably look different for everyone). I realized as I “played out my fantasy” in entirety and how it would affect my life, there was no way that the fantasy could ever replace the reality I had with my wife. There is nothing nor anyone that can ever replace her with all our quirks and intricacies that make us us, and that is when I realized that my reality is better than any fantasy.

    Now I must add that a tricky part to this “exercise” is that if the relationship is not healthy, entertaining the lures of sexual desires or playing out fantasies may ultimately lead to a reality, which then will lead to the plethora of broken and hurt marriages and relationships we see today. I must urge that it is paramount to ensure that the relationship is healthy and then be able to tackle whatever other issues present in life.

    All in all, I cannot wait to keep enjoying this process with my wife, and I could not have asked for a better year together. Happy one year anniversary love.