Enjoy the Process

Category: Faith

  • Dwelling on a Pasture

    The sheep laid down in green pastures. She was comfortable. She was not hungry. She was safe.

    Yet, the sheep wanted more.

    When the clouds covered the sun, the sheep was disgruntled she could not lie in warmth.

    Despite the abundant amount of food to eat, she was picky and wanted more than green grass.

    She looked out beyond her pasture and wondered what else could be out there.

    The ox grazed just beyond the pasture down in the valley. The land he dwelled on was hard and tough from all the toil of being worked on.

    The ox did not know much else besides the work he had to do. He was grateful for what he had to eat, a mixture of dry, wilted grass and shrubbery.

    He was not picky. He could not be. The ox lived a simple life. It did not seem like much, but he was content and found satisfaction in all that he did.

    The chickens scuttled and roamed the land freely. They did not care so much about what to eat or how hard to work. They wanted to flutter around freely and so they did.

    With their freedom, they explored more dangerous unknowns. Often in their wandering, many got lost. Some, even killed. To the others, this did not matter. So they continued to scurry from here to there, never settling down in one place.

    The llama guarded the outskirts of the land. She was always on guard, for she knew the reality of evil and her enemies. She could not rest because her land was always a place of war.

    Her children knew of nothing else and were raised to fight and protect the land. The llama could not even dream of what green pastures could possibly be.

    Despite the vast different realities of the sheep, ox, chicken, and llama, they dwelled together on the same land.

    Relative to each other, it was easy to compare and complain. The differences were too stark to not notice that the grass was greener on the other side.

    The animals would never be able to comprehend their coexistence. But the shepherd cares and watches over all of them.

  • Personal Beliefs To Date

    Below is part of a summer internship application I submitted to get involved with a church I am now attending. I thought it would be cool to document my thoughts on these topics, highlighting what I’ve learned and acquired thus far, before starting school in the Fall, which would probably expand some of these thoughts and beliefs:

    = = =

    Gospel: The gospel is good news. The good news that Jesus Christ was sent to this fallen world, to love and die for sinners, not for the works or merits they have done or accomplished, but out of God’s amazing grace, to restore a rightful relationship that existed.

    Jesus: Jesus is the son of Joseph and Mary. Jesus is the Son of God. Jesus is a man who walked this earth over 2000 years ago, who spoke many parables, who demonstrated many miracles, and yet took time to pray to his heavenly Father. Jesus is the living God, who died and resurrected from the dead, proclaiming to the world that he is the savior of the world.

    Jesus is someone who I was told about since my youth, but I have not done my part to build this relationship. Only until recently, have I been rediscovering Jesus knocking at the door of my recalcitrant heart, and not just allowing him into my life, but desiring to deepen this new love.

    Sin: Sin was taught to me to be an immoral act, a socially unaccepted behavior, action, or habit. However, this was inconsistent as I continued to mature and experience different cultures, as there were external influences to what is socially unaccepted or immoral or even now unmoral.

    Sin was also taught to me as the act that separated man from God. Particularly that sin entered this world when Adam and Eve disobeyed God. This idea of headship and federalism is harder to understand and contextualize as a product of the individualistic culture I was raised in.

    As my relationship with God continues to grow and deepen, my understanding of sin continues to evolve (sometimes scarily), as God reveals to me beyond superficial behaviors and actions, deeper thoughts and heart postures, both personally and communally.

    Bible: The Bible was one of the hardest things to grasp as something spiritual. It was hard for me to accept the fact that the Bible was formed by a group of men, who decided the canonicity of the collection of books chosen. It was also hard for me to grasp the fact that it is deemed the infallible, inerrant, and inspired word of God. The Bible then has to be the authoritative Word of God.

    It wasn’t until an epiphany I had that my perspective began to change—let’s say there is concrete evidence of the infallibility, inerrancy, and inspiration of the chosen books of the Bible, would I still consider it authoritative over my life? There was a moment where my posture had to change towards the 66 books of the Bible, to not treat it any less significant than God and things that seemed more “spiritual” and intangible. I now read it with faith as my daily bread, with faith that God continues to speak into my life through the Word.

    Baptism: I’ve had the privilege of witnessing two very different baptisms in the past few months. One was in Japan, where it takes an estimated seven years for someone to be baptized. This individual had been attending a church for four years or so, and she finally committed her life to following Jesus Christ, and thus wanted to be baptized. There was only one baptism that day with a little sprinkling of water over the believer’s head.

    I also had the great opportunity to celebrate [ocean baptisms with a different church]. It was amazing to hear and see the many different testimonies all the individual’s shared. Each wanted to make the declaration to give their lives and follow Jesus Christ. It was quite a public spectacle with many onlookers.

    I, at a young age, was also dunked in water with the church I attended. I’m not sure how that signifies my baptism. Although my understanding of baptism is that it is one of two significant sacraments of the Christian faith, I’m not sure how much of it plays a significance in an individual’s life thereafter. Something I’m still learning.

    Christian: Christ-follower. Someone the world will persecute. Someone who is justified and sanctified. Hypocrite. Jesus-freak. Religious. Sunday church goer. Bigot. Marauder. Someone too holy, or not holy enough. Nice and moral person.

    I’m not sure what a Christian is. Sometimes I don’t like to label myself as a Christian, as I probably fit or have fit all of those terms above.

    My hope is that at the end of my days, God will know who I am. And God will determine if I have followed.

  • Ashamed of My Father

    Looking back at my teenage years, it was such a simple time, yet I also cringe because of how narrow-minded my perspective was on life. Whether it be relationships, future, school, pleasures or struggles, it really is funny how much unnecessary weight we put on these things. It is funny how wise and grown up we think we are at that age.

    And what’s most cringe-worthy is the view many teenagers hold of their parents, especially me. I remember how embarrassed I was of my parents, the way they talked, dressed, and acted. I was envious of my non-Asian friends’ parents who were “hip and cool,” who seemed like they understood the culture, who bought their kids the nice clothes and neat gadgets. I was embarrassed of friends coming over because of what they might think of the smell of the house, while I had no problem when no one was around. I hated shopping because my mother would immediately go to the sale section. I would get self-conscious in public when speaking my parents’ native tongue, responding to them in English, even though when alone with them I would do otherwise.

    The stories are endless and it amazes me how they not only put up with me, but more so continue to pour out love to me to this day. I remember a time period in my life when I thought I was an adult, and that I no longer needed my parents. The hardened heart, the arrogance, the pride, it was so foolish! And even through that, my parents would still want to have a meal with me, would support me in my endeavors, would be there for me when deathly sick, when in need and in struggle.

    Finally when I was able to see through the muddled views and assumptions of my parents, when an ounce of maturity blossomed, I realized how amazing my parents truly are. The risk and sacrifice they made when moving to a foreign country, with no more than a few dollars in their pockets, without knowing a single word of English, with hopes to have better lives for themselves and their future children is something unfathomable to the wealthy children of middle class America. I have so much respect for them now as I discovered their unending pursuit in businesses, failing again and again, yet it really speaks of their entrepreneurial spirit, something the technological age is tapping into now. The amount of appreciation and gratitude was nonexistent when I was a child, because I was so self-focused, because I didn’t know who my parents were, because I so foolishly couldn’t see past the accent they had when speaking.

    Now, I love who they are and I am not ashamed of them. I can comfortably speak in their native tongue in public, I love the thick stench and smell of garlic and red pepper paste when walking into their home, I love buying clothes on sale and save a ton of money on something so fleeting, I love the different perspective they gave me for being bicultural, I love that they didn’t excessively spoil me and disciplined me when necessary, I love and am so proud of where they are in life and how much they accomplished. I could not have asked for better parents, despite the struggles growing up, despite the hiccups we have here and there presently, at the end of the day, there is nothing but gratitude, respect, admiration, and most importantly love.

    …

    Yet, there is something lurking in my heart, something tugging at my consciousness, something that does not sit well.

    There is someone whom I view with a lens similar to the perspective I had of my parents when I was a child, when I was immature, when I didn’t really know who they were in entirety—My Father.

    My Father who when we’re alone at home, I am so content with, so secure, so joyful, basking in His entire fragrance, yet when someone comes near, I get a little self-conscious of what they might think of the aroma. I get self-conscious when speaking to Him in public, yet I have no problem when it is just us. I sometimes get embarrassed of the different culture, I get self-aware when certain behaviors don’t match what the majority of people do. I hesitate to speak highly of My Father, I question the decisions and “parenting” style, thinking that I am a grown adult and that I know what’s best.

    I am still such a child, an arrogant teenager, a prideful, foolish young adult when it comes to knowing my Father in Heaven. Even as I write, it is a private matter between me and God. In my heart, I am aware of how good my Father in Heaven is, how God has demonstrated the characteristics and attributes of my parents even more so than they have. I know how God has not only put up with me, but pours out a love that is greater than that of my earthly parents. I know God doesn’t stop wanting to meet with me, have a meal with me, despite how many times I’ve turned away, how many times I’ve tried to hide God when in front of others. I know how many times God has been there for me when deathly sick, in my darkest days, when in times of greatest need. I know like a child, how much God loves me, yet I am ashamed. I am ashamed of my Father. I am ashamed of the gospel. I am afraid to shine the light. I am afraid of what others might think if I speak too boldly of my Father in Heaven. I am afraid of the weird looks I’ll get when others smell the different aroma, when others come across this different culture, despite knowing how much better it is to be not just bicultural, but knowing an entirely different realm of spiritual culture. It is foolishness, yet I still cower. It is not childlike, but just childish.

    As my heart breaks, I hope that even through this process, it is the similar ounce of maturity I experienced when realizing the amazingness of my earthly parents. I hope to rid myself of all childish notions and assumptions of my Father in Heaven. I hope I can understand in entirety the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made for me, a sacrifice so much greater than my parents moving to this country. I hope that one day, I will be able to proclaim and testify,

    “… I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes…”

  • Disrupting Christianity

    It almost feels heretical to write something along this line of thought. How can we disrupt Christianity? How can we innovate something that is sacred, holy, and religious? I ask myself, “Why not?”

    This thought of disrupting Christianity became a new theme recently as I was praying. When the words slipped from my mouth, I was at first shocked and surprised. But after praying over this more, it became apparent that this concept has been brewing for quite some time.

    Early Faith

    The early beginning of my faith, what I once thought was unique and special to me, I now realize is a common story for many—grow up in the church, have a falling away, then begin the search to come back. However, being the extreme person that I am, I can say that I’ve experienced the polar opposites of this story—i.e., deeply involved in religious activities as a young leader to becoming a self-proclaimed atheist.

    And the comeback story, which I believe is still writing itself out, has been quite a journey as well. Initially, the story started out as a simple search for meaning. Meaning encompassed many different areas of life such as developing professional career, relationships with family and close friends, social outreach, and religion. Although I had the Christian background and upbringing, I knew it was empty and dry, thus I reasoned to search the Bible with the desire to discover for myself what meaning of life could be hidden in this book, which at that time was nothing more than a book. And as time passed, every other facet of life faded away and the only thing that remained was reading the Bible.

    That’s when the pursuit after a “real faith” began to take shape, and I forced myself to unlearn everything that was taught to me, and began to learn like a new born what, or rather who, God is. I had to deconstruct every aspect of faith and religion, going as far back as, “Is there even a god?” And as the faith and relationship continued to grow, I began asking, “Is Jesus Christ real? Do I truly believe that his death and resurrection is real? What does that relationship even look like?”

    Career Development

    During this ongoing search and pursuit, my seemingly non-spiritual compartment of life developed from working for a medical communication company to a tech startup in the music and events industry. What could have easily been contributed to exploring my career, I now see how every stage was preparing me for this new chapter of life. At my time in the corporate institution, I had to jump through hurdles in questioning why certain processes were done, as antiquated as they seemed. There was a natural push to innovate and change, to stay ahead of the curve, to be relevant and profitable in our industry. And at the tech startup, I learned what innovation looked like on a mass scale, through the company I was assisting to build as well as being exposed to the vast networks of entrepreneurship. And that’s where there was this common theme of disrupting what we know, changing the way we work, to either improve and build upon existing structures or tear it all down and build something new. We now see the effect of this disruption and innovation in almost every vertical—retail, housing, entertainment, transportation, even the rigid medical field.

    God’s Artistry

    What I first thought as leaving behind one phase of my life, I now see God’s artistry in weaving these two seemingly different paths—the explorative, questioning, innovating mind with the sacred, holy, introspective aspect of faith. It is clearer than ever that I can’t leave this “phase” behind because that’s who I am: I explore. I question. I challenge. I ask why.

    In the recent past, it has been difficult to ask questions. Though people struggle with faith and their Christianity, it’s still a nicely packaged struggle. Perhaps this is just in my own circle of influence. But nonetheless, Christianity as I know uses a very similar language and jargon to talk about faith. The struggles almost seem rehearsed. It was almost heretical to ask, “Is Jesus’ resurrection real and if so, how does that affect me?” An impossible act in our human reality, yet something Christians just so easily accept and grasp. Or these days, there’s an abundance of talking about reformed theology and seems like it is a growing elite, the Harvard way of thinking about Christianity, because other schools of thought are just not “right”. But what exactly is this reformed thinking? Is it something that I truly believe, or am I just mirroring and parroting what other spiritual leaders do and say?

    I wonder what kind of struggles John Calvin and Martin Luther went through when they challenged the traditional way of thinking in the 16th century, what kind of praises or criticism they faced. And now seeing years later how much the leaders of that time have positively impacted the understanding of Christianity today, I wonder, with a healthy fear, what new ways of approaching and seeing this gospel, can help me and possibly help others grow? How can we begin to talk about Christianity in new ways, new perspectives, global contexts, relevant to the ever so changing cultures of our time now?

    To think that I can be the next John Calvin would be far-fetched, nor am I desiring to pursue this path just to create another branch off the course in the evolution of Christianity. However, if I can be a small part of God’s story to help further advance the kingdom in fresh, new ways, that’s something worth pursuing. That’s something that I want formal training in, to be able to approach the Bible, now developing as the Word of God, to really be able to glean wisdom in new and deeper ways. I want to be a part of and work together with global leaders, whether in harmony or in struggle, pushing the boundaries of disrupting what seems like antiquated ways of ministry and approaches to faith.

    I hope this time at Regent will help foster me grow to be a deeper man of faith, to have a greater intimacy with Jesus Christ, and a greater fear of the Lord. I’m excited for this next chapter in my journey, I’m excited how my love relationship with God will continue to unfold the story of my life. I’m excited how I can disrupt Christianity.

  • Light of the World

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” 

    – Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

    I remember hearing this quote while watching the movie, Coach Carter. Although truncated, I was so moved. However, that’s where it ended—a good feeling and an idea I desired yet after many years, I realized that it was not true in my life.

    I feared my darkness more than my light. I was ashamed at what kind of thoughts and feelings my mind and heart harbored and there was a constant war within myself. Sometimes I identified with past shames and regrets and questioned a lot of things about my life.

    Probably like most individuals, I masked this darkness with trying harder, achieving more, and though I did build up a decent life resume of accomplishments, I knew deep in my heart that I was not truly free.

    As the years passed and my initial exploration for a greater meaning of life led to a genuine relationship with a living God, I found myself being liberated of past guilts and others began to testify to these changes. And as I continue to grow and mature in this relationship, building a foundation based on what Jesus Christ taught his disciples, I am now beginning to see clearly.

    “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.”

    – Matthew 5:14-16

    For much of my early journey, I was tossed in a wave of emotions, teachings, and doubts. I regressed back into old habits, I occasionally would linger in past memories and lived in defeat, although it may not have seemed like it on the surface.

    But now, I am beginning to proclaim, that yes, I am the light of the world. And I am finally beginning to understand this greater fear of how powerful I can be. It’s such a new development, but I’m excited to be free, to really begin living my life to the fullest.

    I know that this was not due to my own accomplishments or disciplines, but rather, it is truly because of my Father in Heaven, my living God, who continues to demonstrate such a great love, a mystery beyond understanding.

    As I am liberated, as I let my own light shine, I am excited to unconsciously allow others to do the same, and I hope my presence automatically liberates others to be free and ultimately give glory to our Father in heaven!

  • The Visionary

    The Chief Executive Officer (CEO)—It would be a lie if I were to say that I never wanted to be a CEO of.. anything. The title symbolizes status, power, authority. However, once I started working at a medium-size company, I wondered, what do CEOs even do? It seemed like most of them we either know of or hear about play golf the majority of their time and their paycheck consists of way too many zeros.

    However, having worked at a startup company, alongside many other aspiring entrepreneurs, I came across a different kind of CEO. For one, there were way too many CEOs in one room and I realized that the highly regarded title is just that—a title. Just because I slap on a few extra letters after my name, doesn’t mean anything, it doesn’t prove anything. The value and worth of an individual is not defined by what degrees or titles they’ve achieved, but is defined by who they are.

    Another discovery was that there are also a lot of CEOs with not enough zeros in their paycheck. It’s the #truelife of a hustler. But with knowing this reality, I’ve realized that these individuals are another breed of leaders. These CEOs don’t have enough time in their day for rounds of golf, rather they work longer and harder hours than a first year analyst at an investment firm.

    Visionaries

    CEOs as founders of a company also possess something that no other coworker, employee, or investor may have—vision.

    I recently did an exercise with a CEO of a company and was asked, “What would this company look like 20 years from now without any limitations?” I sat there and pondered, trying to imagine the highest potential for the company and its reach to redeem the creative arts. Being a relatively creative person myself, I shared my thoughts and believed it was a good swing at the task at hand.

    However, what I soon realized was that the most grandiose vision that I could have imagined paled in comparison to the original creator (i.e., the CEO). Even as a past employee, having worked different facets of the company, even as an educated individual with a creative and explorative mind, my “wildest” imagination of what the pinnacle of success for this company would look like was nothing to what the founder had already planned and dreamed of before inception.

    I shared that this company would allow people to have access to the best artists in remote villages of Africa for their cultural awareness event. The CEO shared that the president of a country rebuilding its war torn lands would utilize the platform to gather multiple artists, architects, designers, and performers, to showcase the strength and unification of the country as a demonstration and proclamation to the rest of the world. My mind was blown away..

    How much more so…

    After the five hour meeting of brainstorming for the future growth of the company, I normally would’ve felt exhausted; however, an epiphany began to take shape from what seemed as an ordinary work related experience.

    I know I am a smart individual. I know I have had many different experiences in life that I’ve also reflected on that has shaped my character and my perspective. However, in the end that didn’t matter in the context of this company and the original creator’s vision.

    And on the bus ride back home, was when I began reflecting on the Original Creator. The Creator of the universe and the earth. The ultimate CEO.

    How much more trivial would our visions be as we try to compare our wisdom and knowledge to a God of the universe, creator of our lives, the “companies” we operate in, trying to add value and meaning when it is only the Good Father who truly knows best. I realized that I used to think that I knew best, that I held the most rationale opinions on complex issues, that I have given the most thought to various matters pertaining to my life and my surroundings. But as I continue this journey of life and faith, I realize how insignificant I am compared to the vastness that is God and simply for that reason, I exalt Thee.

  • “The Call”

    On September 6, 2015, during an ordinary Sunday service, I felt for the first time a “calling”. My initial response was a call to go (as we read from Genesis 12, Abraham’s call to go). A call to leave the homeland, into an unknown place.

    I remember in 2010, after a month stay in Tanzania, I had an intense desire and passion to go on full-time, international missions; however, something in my gut knew that was not the answer, the time or call. I was ready to give up my potential career as a well-paid pharmacist, but God had other plans for me to take on a full time job.

    Fast forward five years later, I now feel called. Called when things could not be better from the world’s eye—called when I’m very happily married, when our finances are relatively stable, flexibility and comfort of job situation, home owner at the age of 26, good social life amongst friends, nothing majorly wrong with family relations. And when things could not seem better, even being grateful at most times, I know that something was awry, something was off, my heart has not been content. And for some time now, going through this career journey, searching for what is my “call” and having experienced a gamut of experiences, I realize there is only one true call.

    What was initially a call to go, a call to missions, I know that is not the ultimate call. The call is from the caller, the call is to a being, not a place, a job, or life purpose. Our life purpose is already defined—to be children of God, to be disciples, to glorify the Lord, to rejoice always, pray continually, to give thanks in all circumstances, to love the Lord and to love others—simple. Yet, as 21st century millennials, we complicate this to such varying degrees.

    Our call, is never a call to go or a call to be, our call is a call to come. To come, and draw nearer to God, to be in greater intimacy with the Lord.

    Yes, I agree and have been blessed through finding work as worship, to treat this area, my family and friends, as a mission field, my marriage as a mission field. However, throughout it all, all the changes, the one constant always draws back to God our Lord and the closer intimacy with Jesus Christ. On this journey, with all the doubts, the questions, everything has been drawing me closer to God and that is the only call.

    Our purpose and focus should never be a career, a meaning, a vocation, a church, nor a place—all irrelevant. It’s simply a relationship (which we know is not that simple), not an ideology, religion, set of beliefs, or a philosophy to grasp nor a life to achieve both in a secular and Christian worldview. The Lord—as Mary sat beside the Lord—that’s all it’s about.

    And each individual has different understandings, different degrees of knowing the Lord and with that a representation in our lives, a reflection of that relationship, of Jesus Christ. Some, to genuinely be called to a marketplace, a profession, or perhaps some to be examples in marriage; some to preach, some to teach, as expressed by Apostle Paul. But again, these reflections should never be the focus as “holy” as it may seem.

    And with the talk of end of the world (nothing new in our time or of before), I can’t help but to think of not in short- or long-term thinking but want to begin thinking in terms of eternity. And I ask myself, how much do I really believe this? And as I ponder, it’s a matter of trust of how much more intimately I know the Lord. Just like in a relationship with a significant other, it doesn’t matter what stage or how long you’ve known the individual, there is a level of faith and trust that comes with committing to “human eternity”—i.e., till death do us part. It is through this commitment, covenant, we draw infinitely closer to an individual—never through short or long term commitments or time frame of knowing one other. And how much more so, will we know the Lord when we commit to him for eternity perspective.

    Regarding end of world talk, U.S. dollar collapsing, it’s easy to focus our attention on these media grabbing topics (or rather lack thereof for now until it happens). However, regardless of the timing, it is certain, even aside from Christian perspective, that the collapse of the U.S. dollar is most likely inevitable. It is also, if belief in the Christian God is true, that the times of our fallen world we know will end. Regardless of each belief, we can put our trust/faith in one or the other, both, or neither and that affects the way we live our lives. If we really believe the U.S. dollar will collapse, would we not find measures to be prepared, to be guarded? Just like we would do if we receive a warning about a potential hurricane to hit our area. If the Christian end times is true and regardless of whether we know when, would we still not live a life reflective of that? And of course, it may look different as is to the measure of faith of each individual’s relationship with God.

    I don’t know what will happen three days from now, I don’t know what my specific reflection of my relationship with God will look like, nor what location or vocation I should be. But one thing is clear as it always has been—to love God with all my heart, mind, and soul. It is this commandment, the greatest commandment, that has led to all the greatest truths and revelations in my life.