Or else they will rot and you will throw it away.
I have recently been on a journey of seeking enjoyment. Ironically, my mantra is enjoy the process. However, I’m not sure if I had fully understood how to enjoy the process. In the beginning, enjoyment was a mentality, which is certainly a big factor. Over time and especially this past year, I have discovered how I can enjoy life more and it has been quite the process.
It is difficult to enjoy
Three years ago, I reflected on why it is difficult to enjoy the process. I think the reflections still hold true today.
- We take moments of life for granted
- We tend to focus on results and achievements
- We avoid difficulty and challenges
This could not be more true in the domain of parenting. I was constantly taking moments with my daughter for granted. I was over focused on my professional goals. I avoided the difficulty and challenge of how I can be a better parent.
One year ago, my second daughter was born. My first was five years old and we faced new family dynamics and tough questions. In the thick of this season, I did not want to make the same mistakes and thus embarked on a journey of learning about how I can enjoy parenting and ultimately life.
Stop trying to be happy
What kick started this journey was an article, “Stop trying to be happy. Instead, have more fun.” The article discusses organizational psychologist and behavioral scientist Mike Rucker’s PLAY model. It is an acronym for pleasure, living, agonizing, and yielding.
| Low Challenge | High Challenge | |
| High Fun | Pleasure | Living |
| Low Fun | Yielding | Agonizing |
This tool helps identify what activities you enjoy based on fun and challenge level. It takes intentional effort to reflect and bucket what activities in our lives give us joy. The near enemy of fun activities are yielding ones – endless scrolling on social media, Netflix binges, YouTube rabbit holes, playing unfulfilling games, mindless drinking.
It is easy to resort to these activities especially after a long day because we want to numb our body and mind. I found myself yielding more and more to these activities especially when I felt guilty or ashamed of my actions and behaviors as a husband and father. This is a whole other topic related to our identity and how and where we find value in ourselves. The lie I would tell myself was I did not deserve to have fun or be joyful. While I rationally knew that this sentiment was not true, the sting of messing up and allure of being hard on myself would sometimes take over.
I knew I could not sustainably live in a state of existence. I knew I did not want to take life for granted. Thus I worked on discovering what activities I enjoy. Rucker suggests,
Identify elements that you can manipulate,
including your environment,
the people you’re with and
the activities you’re engaged in.
In regards to parenting, it is hard to change the environment and the people. Thus, the focus has been on what activities I can enjoy more. Playing with my daughter used to feel like a drag, but shifting the attitude to how we can both enjoy our time together has drastically improved my enjoyment and our relationship. The mundane daily tasks of cooking, cleaning, and eating became more enjoyable. By taking a brief moment to ask, “How can I enjoy this?” has certainly made life more fun.
Finding joy is the most vulnerable human emotion.
Brene Brown, Atlas of the Heart
Be present to enjoy life
This may be the most important condition of enjoyment. It is perhaps the biggest lesson and application I have learned.
In January 2023, after ongoing conflicts and unresolved tension with my wife, we had a pivotal moment in our marriage. It was when I learned and applied how to “number my days.” The lesson stemmed from the verse, “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” (Psalm 90:12) I believe from that moment on, I began to gain wisdom about being present.
I had an epiphany moment when I was struck with the phrase,
I’m not sure what exactly triggered this idea. Perhaps it was after the short summer season of eating strawberries and tomatoes from our yard. Perhaps it was the fleeting moments with my five year old who started Kindergarten. Regardless, it was another lesson about numbering our days. This lesson helped water the seed of enjoying the fruits of life in each season.
When I started to be more intentional about enjoyment, I felt like I reached a cusp in life, where I was being present to enjoy the smallest moments, which radically shifts those moments from passive existence to active enjoyment.
Being present to enjoy the smallest moments, radically shifts those moments from passive existence to active enjoyment.
I began to discover the art of presence, simplicity, and enjoyment. Simple tasks such as sweeping the front of the house with a broom, shifted from a meaningless chore into enjoying taking care of my house and home that safely held my family. Cleaning and organizing clothes or the garage shifts into an activity that sparks joy and gratitude for all the material things in life. It also helps to declutter and let go of things that are no longer useful. Being present helps me to richly enjoy time with my second daughter, instead of saying I will miss this stage of life. Being present and numbering our days helped my family fully enjoy the first summer break we had together before big transitions in each of our lives. I am truly enjoying the fruit of this season and not letting any of it go to waste.
Get perspective with the end in mind
The most recent teaching about numbering our days came in the form of an age chart. I remember hearing about how 95% of the time with your kids is gone by the time they are 18. It was a surprising statistic, but it really hit home when I made an age chart.
I was used to doing the habit of “begin with the end in mind” for myself.1 However, creating an age chart really put into perspective the end in regards to my family. Granted everyone stays healthy and lives long lives, the quality time we have with one another is so fleeting. The exercise was a literal numbering of our days.
Gaining this perspective did not suddenly give me powers to be supernaturally patient, loving, kind, or happy. The daily struggles and toils are still real. When my daughter got hand-foot-mouth disease twice and Roseola all within a few weeks, the pain and struggle made the days feel like it would never end. When my older daughter is super cranky and disrespects us, we still get very frustrated and angry. The wisdom I gained manifests in the brief, quiet moments of life. I remember how numbered our days are and then I can realign my focus from being grumpy and pissed off, to genuinely enjoying the process.
Enjoyment is the best metric of efficiency
Joe Hudson, an executive coach and father, says the most influential factor to success in business and parenting is enjoyment. He describes enjoyment is not only what you enjoy doing, but how you can enjoy what you do more. Asking yourself, “How can I enjoy this 5% more” can yield hundredfold in every facet of life.
I am experiencing new levels of joy in regards to parenting, marriage, work, and personal endeavors. I also learned about foreboding joy, i.e. when we are afraid to lean into good news and moments because we expect the worst to happen. Sadly, 95% of parents experience foreboding joy with their children. I have certainly been in this boat before. It really takes away from life. “When we push away joy, we squander the goodness that we need to build resilience, strength, and courage.”2
I know life will throw more challenges my way. I know parenting will be hard. I’ll fight with my wife again. The world will have its intractable amount of issues. But I am learning despite all of that, I can still enjoy the process.